Plastic Jesus - 12/24/04

Plastic Jesus we are so afraid,
We'll go to hell if we get laid.
You drive to heaven in a minivan,
We pose for only you, the man.

Plastic Jesus you're on my plate,
Are you fattening or are you safe?
We can't get fat and ugly you said,
Or we'll look even worse when dead.

Plastic Jesus how is my new outfit?
My only fear is you won't like it.
I don't want to suffer for eternity,
If you are dressed better then me.

Plastic Jesus, like what you hear?
I'll change to be like you my dear.
Music is neither really bad or good,
Listen to what Plastic Jesus would.

Plastic Jesus do you really love me?
I will die alone otherwise you see.
Nothing could ever hurt me any more,
Then Plastic Jesus saying I'm a whore.

Plastic Jesus you're my everything,
Nothing I do is really what I mean.
Plastic Jesus I'll conform for you,
That's what society says we must do.

Disposable, Replaceable - 11/6/04

Disposable, Replaceable,

That's all you need.
You can kill the tree,
But never the seed.
They come and go free,
If you're full of greed.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Take them as they come,
Sounds like a battery,
Insert yet another one,
Really it is only me,
Let the drain be done.

Disposable, Replaceable,

None ever seem the same,
But they are under cover.
You just play the game,
And replace with another.
You fail and we take blame.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Supply is getting thin,
But demand isn't high.
We're dead under the skin,
And we will never try,
To be placed back in.

Promises - 11/4/04

Lying in my own bed dreaming alone,
I can't feel any further from home.
I'm not in your first person lies,
About me, myself, and especially I.
You promised me I was the only one,
Until someone new and better comes.
I deny having ever kissed the lips,
Of yours since they smell of shit.
I can only wonder what went wrong,
Or if it was God's plan all along.
I can only blame my own rotten soul,
On why you call me a fucken asshole.
I try to forget and I try to repent.
But I'm stupid enough to try again.
And I will be just another mistake,
Left for dead in this world so fake.

Key - 10/8/04

The morning after and everything's gone,
Except a key I hold to a life of my own.
A key you can't copy but can only break,
Why is it the only thing you won't take?
I beg you to take me whole or in parts,
The tears will wash away this void heart.
I want to unlock the dreams that you cast,
Not temporarily lock away a misled past.
No matter how many keys tied on the ring,
Mine is always the one coming up missing.
Even if you need me more then the rest,
I can never be any more then second best.
To be wanted for once rather then used,
Could make me feel human and not abused.

Can't - 9/20/04

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your lover,
Can't go on anymore,
You're like no other.

Can't be your friend,
Can't even be a son,
Can't show how I feel,
When I'm the only one.

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your peer,
Can't be your elder,
When I live in fear.

Can't live like this,
Can't wake up again,
Can't make an excuse,
Put my life to an end.

Penny - 8/30/04

A penny is skipped into the pond,
And better life is wished upon.
Ripples are gently becoming gone,
Showing this dreaded reflection.

Birds observe sitting in a line,
As I beg to the water for a sign.
Trying to smile a cent at a time,
Why are the only open ears mine?

A heart sold and the pond buying,
Everytime each penny goes flying.
What tells me to continue trying,
If I'm the only one still crying?

One penny may mean nothing at all,
Considering we are about as small.
No matter how loud we try to call,
Deeper and deeper we seem to fall.

No matter how little it may seem,
Nothing good in life can be free.
Pennies wished upon just to see,
Your reflection here next to me.

Bullet - 8/16/04

My problems once seemed so severe.
But the past is done, future near.
The solution is so simple anymore,
You can do it, even if you're four.
The key to the door of my lifetime,
Is so cold and the shape of a dime.
But it is merely an ounce in weight,
Which is a bit bigger then my brain.
A shiny barrel is always on my side,
To be my tissues when I need to cry.
As I pull the hammer near my chest,
I think of those whom I loved best.
And their voices all come in static,
Is this my only hope to be emphatic?
So I raise my hopes next to my ear,
To remove any doubt of why I'm here.
I say I don't want the pain anymore,
But the gun just falls to the floor.
The escape from this misery serves,
As just another bad lesson learned.

More - 8/12/04

More abandoned souls,
Then cemetaries hold.
More hearts destroyed,
Then childrens' toys.
More lives were ended,
Then glue has mended.
More necks on a rope,
Then our alotted hope.
More tears from eyes,
Then rain in the skies.
More guns to the head,
Then I Love Yous said.
More ways of punishing,
Then your encouraging.
More time spent alone,
Then humanity at home.
More drugs in the head,
Then caring words said.
More about appearance,
Then a sinner repents.
More hate from a teen,
Then life in the body.
More deadbeat mentors,
Then sand on seashores.
More need to just quit,
Then you giving a shit...

Father (Part II) - 8/7/04

If I wanted to quit now and be like him,
I'd imagine just what I could have been.
If I had a way to live my life for free,
I'd tell you where money could get me.
If I could buy my life twenty per pack,
I'd save my dollars and buy a life back.
If I could shame neighbors out of meals,
I'd still care about how my child feels.
If I had a social life to even defend,
I'd think I was really someone's friend.
If I had a woman to be 'in love' with,
I'd smoke dope and let us fall to shit.
If I had the chance to be out of debt,
I'd lie so I can write you a bad check.
If I could relax on my couch all week,
I'd fantasize to be some TV star I see.
If I had to support myself on my own,
I'd cry about it to you over the phone.
If I could pretend I was still a teen,
I'd quit faking it and say what I mean.
If I could be like my father and fail,
This would be the life I have entailed.

(Sym)Pathetic - 8/4/04

Trying to force words to flow,
Writing things I will never show.
The faint whisper in the crowd,
Is all the voice I am allowed.
I cannot tell wrong from right.
It feels like every other night.
Hanging in between good and bad,
Which are both lives I now have.
An empty chamber full of hopes,
Just to break me from your ropes.
I was trying to be sym(pathetic),
You love me? Fuck you, forget it.
Lost somewhere under your shame,
We can't even speak my own name.
Running away is my only escape,
Before you will become my fate.

Ballad - 7/18/04

No one reads the ballad to myself,
Wrote on my lips, crying for help.
Eleven months and you're still gone,
Ask your God where I've went wrong.
Does he even listen for fuck's sake?
Has everything been a mere mistake?
Don't you hear me crying for mercy?
Should I believe he has cursed me?
My clock contains worthless digits,
This future doesn't give two shits.
The past is never going to return,
Being happy alone is hard to learn.
Suicide seems to be my motivation.
Should I live for such a sensation?
There is no life to find or desire,
My soul turns to ash in your fire.
Will I still suffer years from now?
If there is an escape show me how.

Failure - 7/11/04

Seconds to minutes to hours to years,
Turn back the clocks, erase your fears.
Dollar after dollar we try to support,
A failure who came up a dollar short.
A life wasted and nothing left to do,
Except sit and enjoy a worms eye view.
Handed everything to piss it all away,
You only have yourself left to blame.
Thinking you can't do anything wrong,
You've only fucked things up all along.
Clench the crucifix in your cold fist,
Drain your history from your open wrist.
Drown in your pity not in your blood,
We can't survive anymore of the flood.
Nothing is left for any of us to lose,
Except some President crying the blues.

Don't - 7/10/04

Don't wanna hurt you again,
Or force you just to pretend.
I will stay out of your life,
I won't fuck up one more time.
Don't ever wanna see you crying,
My life not yours is for dying,
I will turn my back then walk,
I won't make your life my fault.
Don't wanna make you an addict,
Or see any cuts on your wrist.
I will hide from you forever,
I won't be the vein you sever.
Don't wanna make you ever worry,
My life is only a tragic story.
I will just keep my distance,
I won't be the one who listens.
Don't wanna make you remember,
The lies you had to assemble.
I will abandon you then run,
I won't be the lonesome one.
Don't wanna make you scream,
Just withdraw from your dream.
I will be in Hades decaying,
I won't notice your praying.
Don't wanna kiss you goodbye,
Pull the trigger, let me die.
I will become one of the weak,
I won't turn the other cheek.
Don't wanna hurt myself again,
Just forget you too and repent.

(Stereo)Type - 6/21/04

Anorexic whore,
(Go Ahead And) Puke some more.
Crackhead toke,
(Enjoy smoking) Yourself broke.
Poor boy steal,
(You know that) All won't heal.
Pregnant bitch,
(Mom is proud) You're hitched.
Attention slut,
(Continue to) Bitch you cunt.
Suicidal child,
(The gun will) Fix your smile.
Alcoholic teen,
(Your liver) Seems so clean.
Pornstar preps,
(You can go) Fuck yourselves.
Goth vamp girl,
(Wake up and) Try this world.
Stoner wannabe,
(Your memory) Can't smoke me.
Church man cry,
(You do know) Jesus has died.
Everyone cease,
(Stereotyping) To live please.

Love - 6/15/04

The "I love yous" ringing in my head,
Are words that won't hurt if I'm dead.
The implied feelings I never did say,
Became the hostility pushing us away.
I'm not too stupid or too fucken shy,
To say I love you, but I will not lie.
Deep in those eyes I saw what you are,
Just a reflection of me, without scar.
When I promised to love for eternity,
The oath was you would never hurt me.
You've let me down, why am I decieved?
I'm not really sure what you achieved.
Did you forget the vows we exchanged?
Did you fear to tell you were ashamed?
Would the truth be so painful to tell?
Must I love you forever dying in hell?
I'm left here now just trying to find,
A noose to calm me, for love is blind.
Strings of my heart make up this rope,
Frayed, cut and broken as is my hope.
A lone string strong enough to hang on,
To end one life that needs to be gone.
There is no other way for me to escape,
This lifetime of love turned into hate.

Blame - 6/9/04

Slit wrists don't point blame,
At a lack of success nor fame.
You can't blame rock 'n roll,
For rotting these wilted souls.
Kids packing guns in the hall,
Don't blame music and alcohol.
Children don't lose their hope,
In fast cars and smoking dope.
Bloody floors can never explain,
Suicides only meant to end pain.

Here I am strangling on my pity,
Should I justify blaming only me,
For the boy sitting here crying?
I learned you weren't even trying.
You choked hopes and dreams away,
Showing hate you can't even say.
I'm losing touch as I turn blue,
The only air I can gasp is you.
I would blame those I lean on,
But who listens once I am gone?

Really - 6/3/04

So is it really any wonder why,
The only one crying for me is I?
Should I really be so surprised,
That you only talk to me in lies?
Do I really need to feel the pain,
Of living my broken life in vain?
Is it really some kind of blessing,
That I'm being taught life's lesson?
Am I really bad enough to recieve,
A lifetime filled with only grief?
Do I really need to continue trying,
To live this life only worth dying?
Am I really wasting everyone's time,
If I can't turn your water to wine?
Could death really hurt any worse,
If I could be peaceful in a Hearse?
Would it really be a burden to hell,
Having a soul Satan couldn't sell?
So is it really any wonder why,
The only one dying for me is I?

Kiss - 5/25/04

Between those legs,
My self-pride begs.
Under those sheets,
A cold heart beats.
Give you the world,
Can't give anymore.
Take all your pain,
Devour it in shame.
Awaken to the kiss,
Of sin on the lips.
Cling to the heart,
To tear mine apart.
Push my life aside,
Just wish I'll die.
Deer in high beams,
You come in dreams.
Just one step away,
And good days fade.
A gun hides in bed,
Erase all you said.
A trigger we shove,
To erase this love.

7 a.m. - 5/22/04

Waking up starved, cold and poor,
With a police officer at the door,
For stealing a snack at the store,
To fulfill stomachs empty and sore,
Is this really what we live for?

Staring down at the floor in shame,
Avoided by money, love and or fame,
Praying for mercy that never came,
The beast can no longer stay tame,
Is there no one else left to blame?

Echoes of laughter along the wall,
Only I can suffer this final fall,
As you're there still walking tall,
Your insults drown my final call,
Does anyone know who I am at all?

Driving down the road half asleep,
Death can't feel too much more deep,
Happiness could be a gift to keep,
Watching loved ones pretend to weep,
Over the edge, may I take the leap?

Seven in the morning sitting alone,
Feelings have been wasted not shown,
Forget every material object I own,
The bed is now made, the seeds sewn,
Is it too hard to pick up the phone?

Two gunshots is all the town heard,
Grief was nothing more then a word,
Useless as a dead New York City bird,
On the corner of downtown and Third,
Is this happiness or is this absurd?

Flag - 5/14/04

'In God We Trust' says the money,
Does God really find this funny?
Sand is filling the combat boots,
Of men dying for American roots.
Caskets under stars and stripes,
Were real and meaningful lives.
A head is being sent on a platter,
But none of this seems to matter.
No man should die for the US of A,
This isn't a country to be saved.
What's so great about boys with VD,
Suicide for $19.95 'As Seen On TV',
Censorship of an adult radio show,
Role models in prison doing blow,
Youths on trial over music taste,
Cities turned into business waste,
Brains exchanged for nuclear arms,
Diseases abolishing cattle farms,
Gasoline at a new all time high,
And still the uncertainty to fly?
How can a man give up all he has,
To fight for our fucked up past?
Red, white and blue is to blame,
For humanity being put to shame.
What has this flag done for thee?
Tears douse the burning Old Glory,
Praying God remembers to rescue,
Men brave enough to die for you,
Flag.

Friend - 5/3/04

My life can't be the bedtime fairytale,
Sorry for ever being the reason you fail.
I only ask for you to be here by my side,
You are not worth any tears I've cried.
I feel for you more then you'll ever know.
Those are feelings I'm urged not to show.
You're well aware of as you rip me apart,
I cannot replace you inside of my heart.
It requires a friend and not just a man,
To keep the gun out of reach from my hand.
I thought I knew you better then myself,
But you turn your back if I ask for help.
All of my scars from you are hid inside,
Maybe it would be best for you if I died.
Love is a feeling I'll never feel again,
Because you're unwilling to be my friend.

Unfortunate - 4/22/04

You don't want anyone to get too close,
You're living a life that nobody knows.
It took four months of a baby within,
To admit you're not really a virgin.
Pretty is all you've ever wanted to be,
Your shallowness some will never see.
The bumpy road you have made me steer,
Makes me only pray you will disappear.
Pain is a state you have never felt,
So don't go punching me below the belt.
We should all be so fucken unfortunate,
To live your carefree life of bullshit.
You're only a fucken worthless bitch,
Who measures how to love by the inch.
SUck that dick until his money is gone,
I hope you choke on that dick you're on.
You are a girl hiding behind sunglasses,
Lost in some dream world as life passes.
One day I will put your dream to an end,
To love you as you loved me dear friend.

Worthy - 4/11/04

Much too beautiful to waste your time,
Talking to you was my punishing crime.
I should've learned better then trying,
But you're surely not worth any crying.
No feelings shown if I could act sweet,
You are cold, emotionless, rotten meat.
I wished to be worthy of such a goddess,
Now I wish no one has to ever feel this.
Should I be aroused by some kinky whore?
Sluts like you are behind any hotel door,
No I probably won't ever find somebody new,
I'll waste life before I waste love on you.
When I held you closer, you squirmed away,
Words are not enough for what I wanna say.
One day you'll feel so shameless and low,
You'll depend on my hands to never let go.
And I'll pull you into my misery forever,
So one day we can meet again at eye level.

Afterlife - 4/10/04

I've dealt with the misery for this long,
Take it all away so the bad will be gone.
Someone tell me they love me before I go,
Unleash the heart I've never got to show.
You told me you weren't like most people,
As you pray for wealth under the steeple.
A different person would pray for my soul,
Instead you shoveled my way into the hole.
Maybe the afterlife could bring some joy,
To this beat up, picked on, hurting boy.
May I spend some time in a cemetary plot,
Lying next to the only friend I've got?
Or have you taken her away from me again?
Is this the love you are meant to send?
Will I know if you're crying out of grief,
Rather then an emotional sigh of relief?
When I've passed don't say a single word,
Just remember this as thanks to your Lord.
Will this be my oppurtunity to get sleep?
As I fade from the memories you all keep.
Please reincarnate me as a little more,
Then society's shit washed up to shore.

Quitter - 3/22/04

I don't have the knowledge how,
Or I'd just end this life now,
And blow myself to fucken hell,
You can have this empty shell.
I'll forever go unknown by man,
As a quitter with gun in hand.
But I was told to keep trying,
Even if living is worth dying.
I can load the gun by myself,
If you'll lend me some help.
Steal this pain I call a life.
Turn all my wrong doings right.
Toss me in the deepest oceans,
I'll be the lamb to your sins.
Drown me and leave me to decay,
In memories I will never stay.
You won't let me cut my wrists,
No matter how much I hate this.
My death is acceptable to all,
If someone else takes the fall.
This is an evil fucking world,
Take it and show me your Lord.
You can kill me albeit bitter,
And show that I'm not a quitter.

Church Bells - 3/8/04

Every Sunday you sit in wooden seats,
Pretending to adore God and his feats.
Parents cry for mercy on their souls.
Kids pray for Christmas without coals.
Priests linking you to the almighty one,
Are accused of fucking your beloved son.
High society can worship on its knees,
Praying that its mistakes no one sees.
A teen asleep will soon take her life,
And another man has just shot his wife.
Yet most faithful men have never said,
They're reconciling failed lives led.
If the good people only attended mass,
Empty would be the cash plates you pass.
Faces that should soon be seen in hell,
Are masked by the ring of a church bell.
Fold bloody hands and portray you pray,
No prayer can wipe the conscience away.

Nature Scenes - 1/19/04

I gazed out my bedroom window to see,
The remnants of once beautiful trees.
Walking on the grass formerly green,
I realized nature is smog we breathe.
Population puts sewage in our ocean,
We kill ten fish per flushing motion.
We can't drink our own water anymore,
What do we hate enviromentalists for?
Presidents sacrifice animals at will,
On a powertrip of what they can kill.
As animals migrate South near Brazil.
What I recognized gave me the chills.
Scenic beauty in this country is gone.
We traded natural joys for pollution.
The fuzzy animals once loved so much.
Have been accidentally turned to dust.
The sun and moon are all we have here.
Since we destroyed what we hold dear.

Unloved - 3/3/04

Long legs wide open she bears,
Her past still matted in hairs.
Wide hips she will gently sway,
As her future is thrown away.
Luscious lips exclaim the lies,
And her reputation slowly dies.
A sexy girl dressed like trash,
Wastes her life only for cash.
Tempting eyes lure the men in,
To savor nothing but her skin.
Makeup applied for the streets,
Hid are feelings she now keeps.
All men just wanted to get laid,
She's not happy just being paid.
Her gentle caress of long nails,
Rekindles the rumors and tales.
A broken girl puts it to an end,
No one will ever hurt her again.
Her passionate side never seen,
Although that's all she dreamed.
Giving up the body she flaunted,
Feeling loved was all she wanted.

Perfect - 2/29/04

You want me to have a heart of gold,
You want me to have looks so bold,
You want me to be cute and witty,
You want me to smell good and pretty,
You want me to be the center of hype,
You want me to be a STEREOTYPE.
You want me to have a body of steel,
You want me to pretend I can't feel,
You want me to make other girls sigh,
You want me to hold my head up high,
You want me to be a puppet on wires,
You want me to be ADMIRED.
You want me to have some sexy hair,
You want me to give adoring stares,
You want me to be porn star material,
You want me to be your lone inferior,
You want me to boil under the surface,
You want me to be PERFECT.
You want me to show off to friends,
You want me to style the new trends,
You want me to be your sex slave,
You want me to be so fucken grave?
You want me to take all of the blame,
You want me to KILL MYSELF IN SHAME?

Shattered - 2/24/04

Shattered is the motivations I strive.
Shattered is the dream keeping me alive.
Shattered is the sound of all my cries.
Shattered is the reflection in my eyes.
Shattered is the mirror staring at me.
Shattered is the lost child in it I see.
Shattered is the soul hid behind skin.
Shattered is the heart floating within.
Shattered is the family in the shadow.
Shattered is the acquaintances we sew.
Shattered is the house where I stand.
Shattered is the town holding its land.
Shattered is the economy we depended on.
Shattered is the hopes we had now gone.
Shattered is the state ruling the town.
Shattered is the country stumbling down.
Shattered is the President on our news.
Shattered is the military we must lose.
Shattered is the world so be thrilled.
Shattered is the future you've killed.

They - 2/15/04

They say you have a lot to live for kid.
They say you keep all your feelings hid.
They think you go to sleep smiling, yea.
They think you have someone to call dad.
They tell you life is not what it seems.
They tell you bad shit is only in dreams.
They believe their words don't hurt you.
They believe your dreams won't come true.
They pray for the material shit in life.
They pray you'll learn to use that knife.
They spit on you due to a troubled past.
They spit on you because they judge fast.
They kick you for being yourself anymore.
They kick because you're not their whore.
They laugh because they have had success.
They laugh because you have so much less.
They convince you things will be alright.
They convince you this tunnel has light.
They promise to always be by your side.
They promise that they have never lied.
They want you to look at all you cherish.
They want you to suffer until you perish.

Skin Deep - 2/12/04

Too silenced to yell,
About living in hell.
Can't begin to tell,
Where happiness fell.
Lost in my own cell,
I am a broken shell.

Dying will not wait,
You became my fate.
A stuggle with hate,
On any given date,
Dying for my mate.
Love was too late.

Every single try,
I am urged to die.
What I'd do to fly,
And kiss you goodbye.
You have ran me dry,
In hell we will fry.

My body wears thin,
So ugly under skin.
Insanity is my twin,
He is my lone kin.
As my emotions spin,
I can't let you in.

Add me to your heap,
As one of the sheep,
Loving me skin deep.
The sins that I weep,
Is each lie you keep,
As I'm falling asleep.

Ways To Die - 2/9/04

Hanging from a tree,
You wish it was me.
Gunshot to the head,
You're happy I'm dead.
Knife into the heart,
We are better apart.
Rope around the throat,
Enjoy seeing me choke.
Having a fucken ball,
Body full of alcohol.
A needle hiding pain,
My face gone to shame.
Poison in the dinner,
Do punish this sinner.
Suffocate in a sheet,
My corpse is dead meat.
Drown in my own blood,
Promise me I'm loved.
Tons of ways to die,
Thank you and goodbye.

Lifes White Lies - 2/6/04

You were the reason that made me try,
Now you motivate me I just need to die.
The gun is to my head every waking day,
I have heard every lie there is to say.
Searching for more in life is the goal,
Disposed is my life as well as my soul.
I can't love you if I don't love myself,
You can't love me out of a lack of help.
Everything happens for reasons I'm told,
There is no evidence of such I can hold.
To live this life, all I can do is try,
Happiness is my life's little white lie.
It seems like misery has me hand-picked,
Would I be happier as some drug addict?
If life is really just full of deja vu,
Do I deserve this suffering times two?
I look back at the misery I've sustained,
With many enemies and few friends gained,
I look deep in a shallow future and pray,
My whole life won't be fucked up this way.

Free Fall - 2/3/04

The only part of me still alive is livid,
As visions of me free falling are vivid.
My feet teeter near the brink of death,
All I can do is cringe and hold my breath.
Losing my balance, I prayed I was loved.
I looked for those helping hands above.
But the ground neared at an amazing pace,
And those who loved me spat in my face.
My peers all stood on the street in awe,
Chuckling as I suffered the final fall.
The few who claimed to care didn't blink,
Making sure I have no sentiment to sink.
I heard someone say I can't be bleeding,
For I don't have a heart inside beating.
You stole the wings I needed to survive,
You're better off with me dead then alive.
The crowd around me disappeared in line,
I'm just a helpless boy forgotten in time.
I thought as they left I got in a scream,
But no one listens in life or in a dream...

Despair - 1/25/04

As the stainless steel knife glistens,
Nobody that supposedly cares listens.
As adversaries dug clawing fangs in,
Doubts set in on where not to begin.
As the nerves break down from shaking,
The body and soul are slowly breaking.
As the confidence lies beyond repair,
A wandering mind must live in despair.
As the weapon caresses hurt body parts,
It does not care about broken hearts.
As the clock ticks down the final hour,
All this dying mortal can do is cower.
As the flesh opens up to bear it all,
Blood makes its stream in the hall.
As the funeral day draws even nearer,
Internal pain starts feeling queerer.
As the smile accumulates on the face,
It realized every minute was a waste.
As the skin turns slightly more pale,
The brain learned what it is to fail.
As pain and suffering has diminished,
Life became splendid when it finished.

Voodoo Doll - 1/24/04

Another needle pokes deep in my skin,
I'm a voodoo doll pushing my own pins.
My blood weeps through my skin pores,
Distraught by relations with whores.
Making me miserable is not the goal,
But what else do I have to live for?
Take all of your pain to give to me,
You think this is what I really need.
My faith is all lost in a dense fog,
It's as if I feel disowned by my God.
What reason is there to see tomorrow?
Will I drown in mine or your sorrow?
How many times do we have to fight,
If you already know I'm never right?
Restore life to those in hells' line.
Gather their misery and make it mine.
These years wasted in an empty home,
Were meant to prove I will die alone.
Who knows if I would be happier dead?
Death is just illusions in our head.
Bleeding from a final emotional scab,
This voodoo doll dies from the stab.

Martyr To Love - 1/18/04

You say you love me so kill me now,
Dissolve my pain, fear, and doubt.
Make me a martyr to what's right.
Remember me as putting up a fight.
You have the heart to drag me down,
Have the courage to let me drown.
Point the gun from trembling hands,
Aim at me and tell me your demands.
I'll do anything if you'll end it.
Dying in your company is only fit.
While trying to remember the good,
My recollection was misunderstood.
A hope of life is all you left me,
Why can't my soul have eyes to see?
I once had everything in my grasp,
But I failed then and let it pass.
You don't deserve any of the blame,
Although you did put me to shame.
You're just another heartbreaker,
Yet I'm another fucked up taker.
It's my fault thinking you cared,
And for these feelings I've shared.
Your bloody hands hurt me not you,
As I die I'll say I love you too.

I Don't Need - 1/18/04

I don't need to slit my wrists to feel,
The emptiness around this hollow heart.
I don't need the drugs to help me heal.
All they do is tear me further apart.
I don't need to drown in your sorrow,
My own problems pull me under slowly.
I don't need your shoulder to borrow,
Hidden are the tears that are flowing.
I don't need to be happy on this earth,
For you find ways to fuck it up again.
I don't need the bribes you put forth,
Your feelings I only beg you to send.
I don't need to feel I'm loved by you,
So leave me out of your fucken game.
I don't need sorries for what you do,
Please just don't ever repeat my name.
I don't need life to be handed to me,
A fair chance to live is all I need,
I don't need my withering eyes to see,
The only thing you let me do is bleed.

Eye Hate - 1/16/04

All of your lies are sensationalized,
Your life is completely dramatized.
Everything seems ugly on the surface,
For your shallowness is your bliss.
No one's worthy for you to love true,
Unless you think they're sexy to you.
You are just a storefront reflection,
Being tugged at from every direction.
Popularity comes in a leather dress.
Dignity is erased by monetary excess.
No one will even remember your name,
You are a stat to a manwhores fame.
If you saw yourself you would scream,
But maybe this is just a bad dream?
I enjoy hurting your precious sight,
I'll stay unique so I won't be liked.
Cut out the acting so we can all see,
Just how ugly you pretend not to be.
Unpopular kids are shit in your eye,
Whatever you are, you're dead in mine.

Have You Ever? - 1/9/04

Have you ever been in my shoes,
And didn't have a life to lose?
Who the fuck are you to insult?
Go back to your corner and sulk.

Have you ever lived in a truck,
Just because no one gave a fuck?
Ever pawned your shit to pay rent,
And used a bottle of Jack to vent?

Have you ever starved for a week,
And unemployment was all you keep?
Ever had Fig Newtons every meal,
And saw Wendy's isn't a big deal?

Have you ever had to hitch a ride,
Then just lower your head and cry?
Ever came home to find no power,
And no heat for your cold shower?

Have you ever hung the laundry up,
After washing it in the bathtub?
Ever been too stressed to sleep,
Because you're in debt so deep?

Have you ever been in my shoes,
And didn't have a life to lose?
Who the fuck are you to insult?
Go back to your corner and sulk.

Written In Blood - 1/6/04

Everytime I get pushed to the ground,
I know you wouldn't have backed down.
To see you again I'd throw life away,
But you motivate me to see sun today.
You taught me nothing is as it seems,
And showed us all what a life means.
Each guitar note reminds me of you,
Remembering you loved me back too.
I know if you were here right now,
You would have never turned me out.
The old six string whines your name,
While I scream God's name in vein.
What God has the heart to do this?
Why couldn't it be me on his list?
You should be worshipped from above,
But your feats were written in blood.
In eighteen years of built up hate,
I learned helping a life can't wait.
I guess I met you a little too late,
When you needed my help you met fate.

Goth Life - 1/4/04

It's hard trying to live the goth life.
You like teasing veins with a knife.
Preps are conformists you laugh about.
They laugh back at you without a doubt.
You think living is all about dying,
It'd be worth living if you're trying.
Your group finds cutters to be cool.
Sane people surely call you a fool.
Edgar Allan is rolling in his grave,
At how people can abuse the Poe name.
Too much makeup marks your arrival,
Cuts on your arms signifies survival.
Music loses its sense of originality,
It only pacifies the goth mentality.
You're from a strict Catholic house,
But Satan is the man in your mouth.
Big news is a piercing in a new spot.
Your futures are pissed down the pot.
It's hard forgetting the goth life.
In ten years you'll be a preps' wife.

Our Nation - 1/3/04

Our National colors turned to camo.
Poverty is nothing compared to ammo.
We start a war every couple decades,
To lower population along with AIDS.
There is nothing to be fighting for,
Other then being the center of a war.
Not an American citizen will rebel.
They're all afraid of going to hell.
Send working men and women overseas,
So Mexicans have jobs as they please.
All our money floating in the banks,
Is invested in billion dollar tanks.
The fate of hundreds is in a grenade,
Is this the reason youth has it made?
"One nation under God" is our claim,
So does that say God is who to blame?
It's morally okay fighting for cause,
George Bush just needs the applause.

This Fake Life - 1/2/04

Life hurts like the needle in your arm,
But I like seeing you do yourself harm.
Life is fake like your silicone tits,
That's why you or it aren't worth a shit.
Life is scripted like a Broadway play,
So I am trapped in an exitless maze.
Life is deadly like carbon monoxide,
When I'm dead you'll have never cried.
Life claws at me like your fake nails,
So my skin bleeds when my heart fails.
Life is everclear eating at my veins,
But the next morning I still feel pain.
Life opens its legs at will like you,
So I'll be fucked before I'm through.
Life sucks like the straw in your nose,
Yet you come out smelling like a rose.
Life is a game of Monopoly cheated on,
So you leave me when my money is gone.
Life is shit since my pride is ruined,
And it's all of your fucking doing.

New Year - 1/1/04

My notion is that I should be dead,
And I should disregard all you said.
Yet another year has passed me by,
And I'm still wondering why I try.
My throat is too fucked to scream,
That this world I know failed me.
Life is just manufactured and fake,
If I can enjoy it, it's money made.
You're not here for me when I need,
But you love helping my heart bleed.
I have made myself a very short list,
This new year I can promise you this:
I'll have some morals and discipline,
I won't live a life of lies and sin,
I'll find someone good to live for,
I won't turn into a degrading whore,
I'll treat people how I am treated,
I won't curl up and be defeated,
I'll be more then some easy screw,
Which means I'm different then you.

Melt - 12/28/03

Sex is all I've heard for days,
As another friendship now fades.
You are the millionth to claim,
You love this face hid in shame.
Test your limits on my dead heart,
To tear a bad relationship apart.
It's time to see exactly how far,
You can pour the salt in my scar.
Lie to me when you dial the phone,
Pretending that you're all alone.
Don't tell the boyfriend about us,
You can only fake feelings of lust.
Your halo is as fake as my smile,
Accept being a whore, fuck denial.
We don't have any future to long,
Nor a past or present to rely on.
As you find a way for me to melt,
I always end up killing myself.

Christmas Carol - 12/20/03

It's the happiest time of the year.
Where I cry out for loved ones near.
It's that hopeless holiday I dread.
The season for you to wish me dead.
It's time to sing the holiday spirit.
But with the lies I can't hear it.
It's everyone's excuse to go shop.
And I sit dreaming I'm forgotten not.
It's when I'm given the one shit box,
That I disown so it can sit and rot.
It's about families' homemade dinner,
As I'll sit starving getting thinner.
It's time to decorate a dying tree.
That you spend more time on then me.
It's leaving out cookies and milk,
Until the truth of Santa is spilled.
It's where you kiss under missletoe,
And I spend yet another year alone.
It's hairfuls of tinsel and glitter,
To flush Christmas down the shitter.

Photographs - 12/20/03

Another moment of life will lapse.
We all need a way for it not to pass.
How do we prove something strange?
Take a picture to resist our change.
All of the acids in just a single lab,
Let me grasp what I can never have.
My camera and I make one last stand.
Pictures with smiles are in my hand.
Why can't the joyful shots be of me?
I want to be a part of a good memory.
When I am dead how else do I pass on,
If everyone else around me is gone?
A camera is the only way to prove,
An entire life I lived just to lose.
You take pictures of the good times,
All I can keep are the moral crimes.
Photos more then words can hold up,
Since we can't trust those we love.
I'll be loved for nothing one day,
I wish Kodaks weren't the only way.
Without pictures you could forget,
That my impression was ever left.

Scab On My Heart - 12/19/03

You are the peeling scab on my heart.
You are the coke addicition I start.
You are the cancer tumor in my brain.
You are the high voltage in the rain.
You are the drivers' fifteenth beer.
You are the car that will not steer.
You are the AIDS left on the syringe.
You are the three week heroin binge.
You are the razor stuck in my wrist.
You are the blade clenched in a fist.
You are the pool of blood I drown in.
You are the guillotine I watch open.
You are the cancer eating each lung.
You are the rope from which I'm hung.
You are the pistol forced in my hands.
You are the seatbelt's broken strands.
You are the tractor that ran the red.
You are the shotgun wound in my head.
You are the gasoline burning the room.
You are the only culprit for my tomb.

Struggle - 12/17/03

I'd do anything to bring them back.
But I can't ever change the past.
I know it hurts you more then me.
But you have a future you gotta see.
It kills me to see the drugs you do.
You don't see from the outsider view.
Don't think you have to die as well.
It rings an all too familiar bell.
Back when your brother passed away,
We knew all the words he would say.
He told Brittany not to ever quit.
And dammit she never willingly did.
Now she's gone and she'd say it too.
But the only one left to tell is you.
You can't always think you're next.
Carry on to tell they were the best.
Don't piss away such a precious soul.
You are what all parents work for.
The best hands guard you in the sky.
All that we ask is that you'll just try.
Live the life taken from them young.
It's all they wanted you to have done.
You have to learn from their mistakes.
These are the struggles life makes.
Her guitar rings out a final sound.
She doesn't want her baby sister down.

Ugly - 12/11/03

Rip the studs out of your ears.
Listen and deal with your fears.
Take the chains off your chest.
Impress them now like you do best.
Break the watch that keeps time.
It's not offended by your crime.
Junk all the rings on your hands.
Now you'll sink to our demands.
I feel all that you do to me.
You're ugly under the jewelry.

Change out of the pretty dress.
It won't hide all of the mess.
Kick off those expensive heels.
They don't feed your kid meals.
Just burn every single blouse.
It could mend your broken house.
Sell all the fucking fishnets.
Then you can pay for your debts.
I smell your shit under my nose.
You're ugly under the clothes.

Erase the pencil from your eyes.
Expose the fear you make it hide.
Take all the colors off your mouth.
Vomit again to make yourself proud.
Wipe that mascara off your face.
Now the streets can scream disgrace.
You need blush to hide dead skin.
It won't hide a heart paper thin.
I see that you're still fucked up.
You're ugly under the makeup.

Walk Away - 12/10/03

Look for the people that claim to care.
Don't this gun and I make a cute pair?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my love for someone get severed.
May I die to be with Brittany forever?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look in my heart and see that I try.
How many ways do you want me to die?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at this family forget I am alive.
Do you mind if the poison and I vibe?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my future being taken from me.
If I use this rope will you let me be?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at the abuse I have to withstand.
Am I allowed to speed up God's plans?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my health run down the drain.
Can I have a bottle to drown my pain?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at them wishing that I drop dead.
Would you too like a hole in my head?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at what was the girl of my dreams.
Will the blade show me what life means?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look in my head and recall the past.
Should I end it all with one blast?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my feelings you never knew.
Did you know this is because of you?
Was this such a fun game to play?
Will this not affect your life today?
I tried to make these emotions fade.
But now I can no longer walk away...

Newspaper Suicide - 12/7/03

"Another Tragedy" the paper reads.
The pain he felt no one ever sees.
'Fuck You World' he slowly hissed.
Front page says he will be missed.
The tears soaked on smear the ink.
He needed your love, not a shrink.
Reporters say the gun needed hid.
At eighteen he's no longer a kid.
Typed in bold lays his only desire.
"His face always showed a smile."
All the shit was fed to the towns.
They'll never recognize his frowns.
Obituaries said who got left behind.
A gun showed the joy he got to find.
He just had to see how love felt.
Now love is in lies the paper dealt.
The article must be fed to everyone.
So they can be pitied for their son.
Pictures let you pretend you care.
After it all, you were never there.
You walk on the blood stained floor.
Since tomorrow's news is at the door.
Ten years later he's lost in a book.
Maybe it's worthy of a second look.
Faded and torn rests the old news.
He was never alive for you to lose.

Slut - 12/2/03

Make me a lover you kiss and bite.
Make me a beautiful whore at night.
Make me a slut of wealth and greed.
Make me a whore your fantasies need.
Make me a one night stand to forget.
Make me a parent to be in your debt.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a wasted life just like you.

Make me a sex partner you will hide.
Make me a victim to stand your lies.
Make me a toy for all your desires.
Make me a God to light your fires.
Make me a statue for your staring.
Make me a tease yet still daring.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a fashion just like you.

Make me a sex call you treat royal.
Make me a hooker that remains loyal.
Make me a cheat to fuck them all.
Make me a tramp to aid your fall.
Make me a moron misguided by lust.
Make me a memory covered in dust.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a scumbag just like you.

Rejected - 11/25/03

Slap me in the face, pull it away.
Curse me to hell, deny all you say.
Tell me to die, say it's not true.
Replace me, say it's not through.
Take all I have, still not enough.
Destroy my name, say luck's tough.
Claim to love me, but hate my guts,
Try to help, you declare me nuts.
Lend a hand, say it's too frail.
Tell a secret, use it as blackmail.
Teasing me, calling me the only one.
Abuse me, your friends find it fun.
Ask for help, to call me a waste.
Degrade me, expect a smiling face.
Call me stupid, but need advice.
Attempted murder, you're so nice.
Dial my number, make a few threats.
I quit caring, you won your bets.
Backstab me, swear it's all fair.
Death has come, for you said dare.

Listen - 11/23/03

I can't express to you how I feel.
Must I kiss your feet and kneel?
You hope what I say is just a joke,
And inhale it as just another toke.
Everything I tell you that is true,
Falls behind the spotlight of you.
As the ears shut to avoid the fire,
Your mouth opens to call me a liar.
This apathy irks me on the inside,
As you force my feelings to hide.
It is a wall of ice to break thru,
To even get my point across to you.
I was the accuser now I'm accused,
Since you won't consider my views.
You always make me feel like shit,
And you don't care the first bit.
You overreact to every last word,
Even my goodbyes were overheard.
You always deny that you need me,
So my help is what you never see.
You say my words you can't ingest.
Could you as I was laid to rest?
What if all I was trying to say,
Was I really did love you today?

Short Love Story - 11/23/03

Differentiate,
Love and hate.
Don't realize,
All your lies.
Try to scream,
Lost in dream.
Hide the love,
Hit and shove.
What am I now?
Fucked up how?
We don't care,
Love's a dare.
I had no plan,
You're a scam.
Living in sin,
Pain to begin.
Lost the path,
You can laugh.
Drowning here,
Death is near.
Will is broke,
Love's a joke.
Claim to care,
Try and share.
I am genocide,
We'll confide.
I don't trust,
Underage lust.
Differentiate,
Love and fate.

Fell In Love - 11/18/03

Fell in love with a beautiful chick?
No, Fell in love with an abusive bitch.

Fell in love with a wonderful friend?
No, Fell in love with the money I lend.

Fell in love with the life I live?
No, Fell in love with the pain you give.

Fell in love with your kind heart?
No, Fell in love with deceiving art.

Fell in love with voices in my head?
No, Fell in love with the knife's edge.

Fell in love with the liquor in hand?
No, Fell in love with our inferior land.

Fell in love with my own traits?
No, Fell in love with my hollow space.

Fell in love with a family system?
No, Fell in love with our long distance.

Fell in love with a natural gift?
No, Fell in love with your bullshit.

Fell in love with a shiny new gun?
No, fell in love with a little sick fun.

Fell in love with life's pleasures?
No, Fell in love with nothing you treasure.

Flesh & Blood - 11/16/03

A toddler dies in a troubled home,
Why do you act like he was unknown?
You created life to raise as yours,
But you're too busy fucking whores.
How can you watch your own son pass,
To worry about drugs, then him last.
I took pictures from the side view,
So I have the memory to curse you.
When your own flesh and blood dies,
You're bloodshot eyes need to cry.
Is today's high so God damned good?
Or am I badly fucken misunderstood?
How does it hurt me more then you?
Since this is a child I never knew.
Will he not ever be truly missed?
Or are you proud parents for this?
He's doing great in a better place,
Now he is loved with a clean face.
If we have God turning the screws,
Why did he let you fucks reproduce?

Sleep - 11/15/03

These drugs help ease me back to sleep,
As I'm killed by promises I didn't keep.
Today's motivation was found in my bed.
It's the only way I can pacify my head.
I wake up to fall asleep all over again.
A pillow or a gun is now my only friend.
A companion to hold is great too I hear.
But that is a joy that I'll never feel.
Bad health suffocates me back to sleep.
If I'm lucky I'll awaken six feet deep.
Eight hours to bury such an ugly face,
And I wondered why you call me a waste.
Tears soak these sheets without a try.
It is the souls way of begging to die.
A warm bed is all that's worth seeing,
When I live in a life without meaning.
Most brag about their great sex in bed,
I brag how I can enjoy being this dead.
I hide under covers like a beat child,
Fearing you'll beg me to crack a smile.
I curse the alarm clock as it screams,
For my only happiness comes in dreams.

Father - 11/6/03

My hate goes to the mentor I never had.
I have the pleasure of calling you dad.
I can't take the good with the bad now,
Since the bad buries me in your shadow.
You aren't mature enough to have a son,
A daughter, or a wife when you act one.
Putting food on the table matters not.
As long as you have a fresh bag of pot.
Is marijuana all your life is about?
If you have priorities, I have doubts.
You lose jobs all to smoke a joint,
Don't I have some kind of valid point?
You think a concert or two is a reward.
It can never erase hate I have stored.
No matter much you dislike each other,
I'm confident I'm loved by my mother.
Would it hurt you to speak the truth?
You fucked up and have no more to lose.
How do you call yourself a good parent?
If all of your lies are so transparent.
You are a legend only in your own mind.
Ever since reality left you far behind.
Thank you for being a role model to me,
You taught me what I never want to be.
Other then people you brought to tears,
What can you show for forty-five years?

S.U.I.C.I.D.E. - 11/2/03

[S]cream at the thought of tomorrow.
[U]ninspired to live in this sorrow.
[I]nternals pour blood like the Nile.
[C]racked heart as bad as my smile.
[I]nside we are all ugly anyways.
[D]on't count down my final days.
[E]ventually we'll all drift away.

[S]lapped in the face by humanity.
[U]nder the surface I'm panicking.
[I]nside this is what I deserved,
[C]ounting days pointlessly served.
[I]nside we are all ugly anyways.
[D]on't count down my final days.
[E]ventually we'll all fade away.

[S]trangling just to stay alive.
[U]ndying is the pain I can't hide.
[I]nsatiable need to feel loved,
[C]rushed by those powers above.
[I]nside we are all ugly anyways.
[D]on't count down my final days.
[E]ventually we'll all hide away.

[S]uicide is the easiest escape.
[U]ntil I find life without hate.
[I]n this world I'm left behind.
[C]omfort is the joy I won't find.
[I]nside we are all ugly anyways.
[D]on't count down my final days.
[E]ventually we'll all pass away.

Smile For Me - 10/29/03

Shadows on the wall portray us as equal.
My appearance being shamed is a sequel.
Inside I'm just a fucked up adolescent boy.
Let me get out of sight like a broken toy.
Eaten alive by your eyes I am in hell.

Finally I know there is no key to my cell.
Outside you know you are superior to me.
Run away and show off your smile please.

Maybe one day I'll deserve to look proud.
Even if it's yelling your name out loud.

Bewildered how your face shines to all.
Even though my dignity takes your fall.
Crushed seeing you is my only emotion.
All of this should end soon is my notion.
Under cold soil is where I need to lay,
So I'm beautifully fake like you today.
Each of us need a soul to whom we confide.

I'll wake up to feel my drained heart cry.

Can you smile for me just one last time?
All because I can never have that shine.
Now that there is a smile on your face.
These dead emotions are laid to waste.

Take Back - 10/28/03

Take back everything that you did that night.
In your heart do you still feel it is right?
Will you ever be hurt inside for one choice?
Or do only I die at the sound of your voice?
Now that you have some new slave to cater,
Do you still remember me eight months later?
Take back all the times you kicked me around.
Did you expect me to go down without a sound?
Karma is finally back to settle all our debts.
All this time later my mind will be at rest.
Were you able to replace me without trouble?
I'd hate to watch reality burst your bubble.
Take back everytime you cursed my name aloud.
One day someone will push you off your cloud.
I know well that we were never meant to be.
But your love was never supposed to be free.
Now I swear your name back into my mattress.
Since I'll always fucken hate you for this.
Take back knowing I existed on this planet.
Just finish taking your life for granted.

Last Friend - 10/25/03

All of my thoughts, hopes and dreams,
Have been torn apart at the seams.
There is nothing you can do to help.
My begging for help was never felt.
You think everything is your fault.
And I can't convince you it's not.
You apologize for no apparent reason.
And claiming to love me is treason.
There is only one thing left to try.
And that is getting you off my side.
I'm shamed into being your friend.
But you never want to see me again.
You think if you let me go I'll die.
But you don't know how much I hide.
Conscience keeps you from letting go.
And hides emotions you'll never show.
Why do you want to change my world?
You're just a troubled little girl.
All you've done to help me survive,
Is brag all about your perfect life.
I can't come out and say to leave.
Since I am but another loser in need.
You lie and say you need me happy.
And all you can do is laugh at me.
Everything you've ever laughed about,
You think is a joke without a doubt.
All this time you think I'm kidding.
You assume laughing is only fitting.
Your closed eyes will never see that,
My life is what you are laughing at.
The last friend I hope to ever have,
Will truly accept my clenching hand.

Beautiful - 10/21/03

"I'll be just as beautiful as you when I'm dead,
And I'll finally be happy then." Is all I said.
Now I hang from a fictional cross at your mercy.
The agony doesn't compare to how you've hurt me.
How do you know you're so great on the inside?
All you have to show is a soul rotten from pride.
A smile will come from my face I assure you that.
Even if you are long dead as a matter of fact.
You won't call me evil when I faked that smile.
'Til these eyes burn gold in those of your child.
Oh God how I'm so envious of your fasion trends.
Since it can cover up the heart no glue mends.
Keep believing you wear a halo and angel wings.
You're so fucken special as I pull your strings.
I'll never have any of the rape appeal you will.
But I'll make sure these strings hold you still.
People live a lifetime to be as gorgeous as you.
I'm scarred ugly for the shit you put me through.
We're equally ugly now that your skin is opaque.
Nothing to live for if we all see you are fake.
"I'm beautiful like you since we're really dead."
"Life is an illusion," I finally smiled and said.

FREEway - 10/18/03

Eyes glued to glazed yellow lines.
Drunk drivers riding close behind.
Disobeying stop signs and the laws.
The cops will have us by the balls.
Pointing at a Porsche seating two.
John Walsh mentioned them on A.M.W.
Mechanical suicide on the freeway.
The best way there is to get away.
The color red is shown on the light.
Foot to the floor, forget hindsight.
Inhale the smog we're proud to make.
Gaze at our humanity being so fake.
The radio screams all the same ads.
SUV's contain the latest teen fads.
Eyes closed cruising on the freeway.
It's the real way you can get away.
Support the government and drive.
Since your demand keeps fuel high.
Relax in your fake leather seats.
Stuck in traffic in the summer heat.
Hormone driven teens have to go race.
It might erase pimples on their face.
A moron in his import on the freeway,
Just hit by a bus is great get away.
Old women crawling at twenty below,
Makes this deathtrip seem so slow.
The sights and smells of roadkill,
Nice enough to send all kids chills.
Potholes big enough to be graves,
Lets some fast food soil your face.
Passing the short bus on the freeway,
You realize you're not too far away.
Go drive your expensive metal weapon.
To wreck by the phone you depend on.
Depressed old men leave a local bar.
To ensure a risk of driving your car.
My stereo screams the music you hate.
Now together we can enjoy road rage.
Riding in a hearse on the freeway,
Is the most you will ever get away.

Kill Yourself - 10/14/03

If everyone wants me to commit suicide,
Why would you actually care if I died?
You say my life sucks, how do you know?
Why should you give a fuck where I go?
Boost your esteem off of someone else.
I'll never look up to you for help.
As 'Kill yourself' comes from your mouth,
Does your conscience make you proud?
Would it ever strike you if I listened,
And TV shows my corpse in the distance?
I'm past giving a fuck of who it hurts,
It's just another one of lifes turns.
You are all that matters as I bleed,
So I hope the events fill you with glee.
Thank you for pointing that finger.
Same one that just pulled my trigger.
You thought life was just a giant game.
What if murderer is your new nickname?
'Fuck you' was once a harmless saying,
But now 'Kill yourself' isn't playing.

Not Your Victim - 10/14/03

Not about to be called a push off,
Not going to suffer for being soft.
Not about to get fucked and smile.
Not going to put this soul on trial.
Not about to ask for any assistance.
Not going to decrease our distance.
Not about to try keeping you close.
Not going to choke on another dose.
Not about to think this is a favor.
Not going to feel the joy you savor.
Not about to see the grin you make.
Not going to ever be nearly as fake.
Not about to lend the helping hand.
Not going to love you on demand.
Not about to satisfy you anymore.
Not going to be a pocket you adore.
Not about to be your next culprit.
Not going to be left dead like shit.
Not about to lose a wink of sleep.
Not going to be a toy you'll keep.
Not about to let anyone else steer.
Not going to repeat as a volunteer.
Not about to take another beating.
Not going to be left here bleeding.
Not about to listen to your wisdom.
Not going to repeat as your victim.

Mystery Family - 10/11/03

What have I done to deserve existance?
All life ever has been is resistance.
Do I enjoy being caught in the middle?
Because my family cares very little.
I never could have imagined this deal.
Nothing else matters but having a meal.
It's ashame how my mom resents me so.
Since I won't play in her drama show.
Only I'm supposed to forget everything,
And learn to love an untrustful being.
Glad that I learned to resent my father.
Since he's too stoned to care or bother.
It's nice dad wishes I was never here,
And pleas for his daughter to live near.
If I don't wander away from here to die,
I might spend money that gets them high.
If I only kept out of my mom's business,
I might not despise her for all of this.
What more am I then a few dollars a week,
That your weed dealer would rather keep?
How can you pretend to know me so well?
How can you not notice that I am in hell?
You just think that everything is alright,
When I soak my pillow in tears at night.
Everything I've done in these few years,
Is run away from my one deepest fear.
So I'd take the bit of time I had to pray.
I will never be like my parents one day.
My own family can call me a fucken freak.
Though I'll always call them a mystery.

Broken Glass - 10/4/03

Just admit I'll never make you happy.
Only because you're all I can't be.
No one will ever swallow their pride,
And know me without trying to hide.
I'm sorry if I seem so down on life.
Maybe I just know what's real tonight.
What if I'm not really a pessimist?
It's just you're not used to this.
Can I not share an unbiased view?
Or must I share everything with you?
How can you tell me you love me so,
And say my outlook makes you let go?
How can you hate me just like you do?
And love me too much to come unglued?
I tell you my glass isn't half empty.
And you can not half fill it for me.
For you pissing in it, I'm flattered,
Too bad my glass is already shattered.
How do you dream of a future so bleak?
When you can defy every word I speak.
Should I smile as I'm being used?
To say 'I love you too' as I'm abused.
Let me hold you close to push you away.
So lying about love is all we will say.
The ice I have wrapped around my heart,
Makes me not care what shit you start.
The fire in my soul makes my body burn.
So I feel nothing as your knife turns.
Can things ever change for the better?
As I sign in blood to end this letter.

Money Bought - 10/3/03

You slowly tear at me like papercuts.
And you clearly can never get enough.
I am nothing special as you know.
But you have too much fun to let go.
Solace comes through what you buy.
Too bad you're nothing when you die.
Houses, cars, clothes and friends,
Is the happiness your money rents.
Still you can make me seem like shit,
Complaining how you need more of it.
Never do I hope to be quite like you,
When cash influences everything I do.
I do want to buy the smirk on my face,
By making others feel like a disgrace.
If I ever have anything that you need,
Your money won't ever buy shit from me.
If I had the cure for your sickness,
I'd never let you touch any of this.
Cure yourself and don't hide the lies,
Dollars are everything in your eyes.
Would the Midas touch be your dream?
Where the earth you touch will gleam?
And then the dirt will glisten gold.
So you are happy being dead and cold.

God Is - 9/27/03

God is the television that we adore.
God is the disease of a street whore.
God is smiling on your dollar bill.
God is there when you go to kill.
God is in the terrorist's plane.
God is all of Hitler's sick fame.
God is the tetnus in the nails.
God is suicide when all else fails.
God is the psycho dog with rabies.
God is the teen carrying babies.
God is a pen writing bomb threats.
God is cocaine snorted in excess.
God is the fire burning your house.
God is the liar instilling doubts.
God is making your husband cheat.
God is food poisoning in your meat.
God is the drunk driver on the road.
God is slowly sinking your boat.
God is kidnapping your loved ones.
God is the skin cancer in the sun.
God is almighty, great and supreme.
God is fucking up this life we need.

If I (Rewind) - 9/24/03

If I was able to live all over again,
I would have learned what life meant.
If I were to rewind every bit of this,
I would still hate every conformist.
If I could relive a minute at a time,
I would still call humanity a crime.
If I went back to when I was young,
I would hate all that I've ever done.
If I could climb back into the womb,
I would predict this world is doomed.
If I was still stuck in the past,
I would laugh at the evil we cast.
If I lived in the eyes of a child,
I would soak up your hatred a while.
If I lived in someone else's eyes.
I would be overlooked by your lies.
If I had to walk in anyone's shoes,
I would just be a new person to use.
If I was reborn innocent and loved,
I would envy your abusive God above.
If I was given just one last shot,
I would still hate what I am not.

Whoricane - 9/3/03

Your own ignorance is your bliss,
So when you fail why be pissed?
Don't severe my helping hand,
You should listen while you can.
I'm sure I would feel bad too,
If I needed attention as bad as you.
It's not my problem your life sucks,
When I warned you of these fucks.
If all you offer is money and sex,
Isn't this scum what you'd expect?
I'm sure I would feel bad too,
If I was desperate for love like you.
I hope one day you hear my advice,
Since I know what being alone is like.
True love is far fetched at this age,
So stop throwing away sleep everyday.
I'm sure I would feel bad too,
If I let myself be used like you.
Join the whoricane of girls in line,
Who need love but waste their time.
You'll find what you are looking for,
The day you don't have to be a whore.
I'm sure I would feel bad too,
If I was as insecure about love as you.

Brittany - 9/3/03

Smiling when I talked to you was habitual.
Expressing how much we cared was a ritual.
I'll always consider you my best friend,
Who I will love dearly until the very end.
You're the only person I can ever lean on.
And then I'm told it could soon all be gone.
Only you have kept me from ending it all,
But you can't be the one to take the fall.
Just once you didn't say you loved me back,
Don't let that be the last chance you had.
I didn't mind since you were in a hurry,
It's just I don't want that haunting me.
Will I live the rest of my life in regret,
Of the things we accidentally left unsaid?
No matter what happens from here on out,
You'll always be the best without a doubt.
No matter how far we're separated by air,
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
You will always be plastered in my heart,
So I promise you we'll never be far apart.
Everyone but you took this life for granted,
Yet this is still the reward you're handed.
You are a much stronger person than I,
For even making it seventeen years in life.

Silent Prayer - 8/27/03

Glory be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
That kills the things we hold dearest.
Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name,
Rub it in that we can't play your wicked game.
Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee,
Why can't your Lord ever directly affect me?
I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
The same God that can't help my pleads.
Will we always pray if no one answers?
For a funeral of angelic winged dancers?
Isn't God here to die for our mistakes?
Not to drown feelingless babies in lakes?
Doesn't God have power to remove our shame?
Or let all of the innocent die on a plane?
Doesn't prayer give poor kids food and toys?
Or instill Priests power to fuck altar boys?
Can you really beg God to give you feedback?
If he can't get teens to quit smoking crack?
Is this horrible world part of some plan?
Or does no one really have control over man?
Are we all wasting our time fearing death?
Although when we die there is nothing left.
If this is my question up to the clouds,
Will someone answer me to remove all doubts?

Ease My Pain - 8/17/03

Dear whoever I beg you please,
Somehow let me die at ease.
If I am to die in my sleep,
Please don't let anyone weep.
If I do live to see the sunrise,
Let's not be hidden in your lies.
All this life needs is a change,
But we are both too deranged.
18 years of life passed in vain.
What is there to ease my pain?
I need you to save what's left.
You are the life I haven't met.
Your perfection is out of reach.
To hold you now is all I beseech.
I'll die over and over again,
If it made my broken heart mend.
Reality is fake and so am I.
What is true? I can't identify.
Have my aspires all been slain?
Can't drugs help ease my pain?
Is there still an honest soul?
Will I ever have self-control?
Is a new day even worth seeing,
If life will never have meaning?
If music is what keeps me alive,
What will I do when radio dies?
Life is full of sorrow and doubt,
But joy is what I live without.
Will I finish my life in shame?
Or can your touch ease my pain?

New Beginnings - 8/3/03

I'd hitch a ride straight to hell,
If it made my life any more swell.
I'd be Satan's right hand man,
If it gave life some kind of plan.
I'd sell my soul for a few pennies,
If I just had someone to squeeze.
I'd pour my life out to a stranger,
If it kept me out of life's dangers.
I'd gouge my eyes down to my brain,
If someone still thinks I am sane.
I'd top Van Gogh and lose both ears,
If you never made me shed any tears.
I'd pull my heart out of my ribs,
If it fed all of the starving kids.
I'd give my skin away to look scary,
If you give me money and dared me.
I'd pull the tongue from my mouth,
If it would remove all your doubts.
I'd change anything in the world,
If I were to meet a loving girl.
I'd do anything you ever dreamed,
If someone knows what life means.
I'd kill myself so you saw me bleed,
If I was assured I'd rest in peace.
I'd have my infested body set on fire,
If you'll never again call me a liar.

No One - 8/2/03

No one ever did anything to bring you pain.
No one ever locked you outside in the rain.
No one told you your life was oh so bad.
No one took away the only thing you had.
No one could dream to be anymore stunning.
No one could dream to be anymore cunning.
No one feels pity on the life you lead.
No one feels there's anything you need.
No one forgot you and made things wrong.
No one forgot they raised you so long.
No one will feel shame on your wealth.
No one will turn you down in bad health.
No one but you hates a wonderful family.
No one but you neglects her rich daddy.
No one can deny you since you're a dream.
No one can reject your cash to redeem.
No one could ask for more best friends.
No one could ask to afford more trends.
No one imagines having problems so minor.
No one imagines the jewelery around her.
No one else ever hated the BMW you drove.
No one else ever hated 3 meals on a stove.
No one needs more then your giant house.
No one needs more then your loving spouse.
No one has ever met a more spoiled bitch.
No one has ever whined about more shit.
No one like you ever needs to complain,
About how bad their life is ever again.

Sun & Haze - 7/6/03

I woke this morning to sun and haze,
Wished I could erase these wasted days.
Greeted the world and opened the door.
Saw there was nothing to be awake for.
Stood in the shower and shed my skin,
Dreamed what world I need to live in.
Sat at the table and unwillingly ate.
Wanted to be gone like food on my plate.
Got the remote and turned on the tube.
Ready to cry seeing TV has us subdued.
Lounged and pet the dogs on the head,
Knowing they'll love me until I'm dead.
My hand trembled as I went to call dad,
Realized this is all the family I have.
Got online to find out my validity,
Yet just learned of others' stupidity.
Peeked over to the neighbors' to see,
Drug addicts are a lot happier then me.
Barred myself in my room once again,
I'll see sun and haze now and then.
Drop the blinds so no one will know,
For peace, just how far I will go.
As I sleep I need a God to let me pray,
Never again I have to see sun and haze.

Eighteen Faded Years - 7/4/03

Beginning of life in eighty-five,
Enough to make my parents cry.
I was still important at age one.
And I was great for what I'd done.
By the time I hit the age of two,
I was bad for what I put you through.
At the age of three I got to see,
How evil this world can really be.
I was supposed be grown up by four,
Yet I knew nothing really for sure.
Five was the time to start school,
Prove to my parents I'm not a fool.
It only took me until the age six,
To see I'm different then other kids.
Catholic school had me at seven,
Brainwashing me to believe in heaven.
People thought I had hope at eight,
And I'd be rich if not for fate.
At nine I had my own seat on the bus,
Since my looks made too much fuss.
I enjoyed peace when I was ten.
Lots of time at home and no friend.
At eleven I seemed to hit a low.
No one to talk to, no where to go.
Parents were divored at twelve,
And I was set aside on the shelf.
Life sucked by the age thirteen,
Sadly enough I was an alcohol fiend.
Fourteen was depressing and bad.
Trouble overshadowed talent I had.
Fifteen was marred by beer and Kim.
What was left of my life looked dim.
Nothing sweet came out of sixteen.
But Kim trying to murder me was mean.
At seventeen I was dead inside.
Suicide tries and alcohol hid my lies.
Graduated and I almost see eighteen,
Still searching for life's meaning.

One Person - 7/4/03

Recollecting to the days I was happy,
Now that happiness has long passed me.
I don't really know what it means,
But I started seeing you in my dreams.
Guess my mind misses being at peace,
Since happiness was a two month lease.
My visions are now as clear as mud.
But you can't feel my pain called love.
Everything was so real being with you.
I wish for something I could say or do,
To rewind all of the sleep I've lost.
No one deserves to live at this cost.
I can't fake to be happy and survive.
But I'll rot now that I'm dead inside.
By now you've forgot my name and face.
And my burning inside was all a waste.
I can't support you and your new child.
But if I had that chance I would smile.
You're the one person that passed me by,
Who could make me smile or make me die.
I hope you never hurt quite like this,
But deep down you deserve this shit.
Some day one person will come along,
And tear your heart until it's gone.
Or are you too cold to have a heart?
I'm not cool like you. I fell apart.

Forgotten - 6/7/03

If today was the last day you saw my face,
Would it be a tragedy to this place?
Or would just I be forgotten forever?
And I won't be needed again, never.
If I left your life for a few years,
Would my return be full of hate or tears?
If you saw me later would you run scared?
Or be amazed at how my life faired?
If I became a part of your life again,
Will you ask me to leave like back then?
Maybe change is all you need to be happy.
I know you can smile more without me.
Would I ever be the one that got away?
Or will I fade like the sunset today?
Will you regret the little white lies?
Will you regret the secrets you hide?
Will you think you waited too long,
To tell me all this before I'm gone?
Will I always be a failure to you?
Just think what you've put me through.