Scared - 12/10/05

I've lost faith in all that I've known, Everything has failed, and I am done. I have nothing in life to call my own, My father doesn't even claim his son. It seems like one hundred fifty times, I've begged forgiveness as I've cried. I've even asked God himself for signs, To tell me what it is keeping me alive. I've done a lot wrong in twenty years, Though I've done about as much right. Going to sleep alone at night in tears, Makes me want to give up on this fight. I've changed for the better I thought, But it looks like I was wrong yet again. All I can have is the little I've bought, And the little I have is a lifetime spent. I've turned my head on God many days, With good reason to not believe in him. Everybody that goes to heaven prays, And I've said more then any that sin. Millions of people feel the same way, Only I can let it destroy me as it does. Life isn't meant to live in my own pain, Or to look back on all that once was. If this doesn't kill me not a thing will, But tomorrow will be more of the same. I am tumbling down this battle uphill, While I regret these decisions in shame. I've said this all so many times before, This self-loathing is destructive at best. Even my health is gone, I am so unsure, I commit suicide with every pill I ingest. I don't have any direction or purpose, One day will be my last I'm well aware. Even though I live like I don't know this, You'll never notice I am really scared.