Disassembled - 12/30/05

A member of the disassembled youth, With nothing more than bad habits, Used to sedate and find inner truth. Not the life one can choose, but it's, Too easy to quit now after this long. Nothing explains God's own intuition, Leaving so many lives horribly wrong, Against the odds of rational decision. Fate lies in his hands while we float, Helplessly down a stream of society, Trying not to drown all of our hope, In a cold, shallow, dangerous reality. Very few will ever know the feeling, Many more will only pretend they do, They will never spend a life kneeling, Praying for light to guide them through. Tomorrow will be crueller then today, The struggle must be abandoned soon, If we lose any more reason to stay, And let our tears and frustration loom. We are not here to play in your game, And we refuse to become your slave, Disregard the money, material or fame, These scars will follow us to the grave. We don't want you to suggest the past, Even if it is a better chapter then this, The good memories know how to last, Giving us some sort of warrant to live. The feelings are getting too common, And roads are coming to a dead end, Only one set of gates needs to open, To make it all worth while once again. We are one group strong, entwined, With a damaged or missing identity, Everything we accomplish is defined, With our faith, dignity and serenity. God may have forgotten we existed, Or maybe it is a type of human irony, But there is a meaning amongst this, It will unfold slowly just like poetry.

Excuses - 12/25/05

No excuses left to explain, That everything is alright. Lying doesn't cure the pain, That recurs every night. It's eighty degrees today, Inside I am freezing cold. I've always felt the same, And it's gotten really old. The drugs on which I rely, To keep feeling in my body, Are all that keep me alive, But they're low on quantity. Motivation is hard to grasp, If feeling is not allowed. I'm tired of being the last, To have reason to be proud. I don't need another excuse, To stay clean yet optimistic. Afterall I only seem to lose, Touch with where my life is. Your ridicule has no point, When I have done no wrong. This wasn't my own choice, Having nothing for so long. I don't want to be this way, When your life is perfect. Nothing you will ever say, Can make my life worth it. You waste more than I will, Ever have in my possession. I know all that you had still, Will not fix my depression. Still you throw it at my feet, Expecting me to praise you. It only helps me better see, How little you amount to. I don't excuse myself just, To make up for what I lack. I gave you all I had in trust, And now I want it all back.

Father (Part III) - 12/17/05

You're a carbon copy of,
The most severe fuckup,
Anyone has witnessed,
Without slicing their wrist,
Any man must be a saint,
To not kill you out of hate.
To think I've withstood,
All of the abuse I could,
These past few years,
Only falls on deaf ears,
When I tell you that I,
Need me or you to die,
Because I can't tolerate,
One more fucking day,
Of the drugs or the lies,
That fill your small mind.
You know who you are,
If you've read this far,
But you pay no mind to,
Anything I will say or do,
So I know not to expect,
Any more then the regret,
That I dealt with so long,
'Til hope for you was gone.
It's a never ending fight,
I cease battle every night,
So I don't shoot you or me,
As we regroup in our sleep,
To start over another day,
About more of the same,
Things you want from me,
That in reality you need,
To earn all by yourself,
But can't live without help.
You push me until I bend,
And remind me that I am,
Nothing to you, a no one,
A selfish and useless son.

Hollywood - 12/13/05

Hollywood is now the living hell, Where the undead demons roam. I am breaking out of this shell, I will now call Hollywood home. I dreamed of home I don't hate, Where crimes are the only guilt, Somewhere far from this place, A place that I wish I had built. The models all purge their souls, I am none better than they are, We both have unfixable holes, Except they can hide their scars. I want everything but need none, I need what no one can give me. I may want a piece of everyone, But I don't know what I'd need. Religion can't compare to drugs, Everyone is strung out or dead. I will sell my soul and my luck, For a hot shower and warm bed. Sacrifice is a part of the game, Someday it will all be worth it, They say money isn't to blame, For the thousands left homeless. Everyone is ugly on the inside, This isn't the dream I created, I am left here alone to decide, If I want to love being hated, This is the worst decision ever, I'd take it all back if I could. I wanted the world, but I never, Needed to live in Hollywood.

Scared - 12/10/05

I've lost faith in all that I've known, Everything has failed, and I am done. I have nothing in life to call my own, My father doesn't even claim his son. It seems like one hundred fifty times, I've begged forgiveness as I've cried. I've even asked God himself for signs, To tell me what it is keeping me alive. I've done a lot wrong in twenty years, Though I've done about as much right. Going to sleep alone at night in tears, Makes me want to give up on this fight. I've changed for the better I thought, But it looks like I was wrong yet again. All I can have is the little I've bought, And the little I have is a lifetime spent. I've turned my head on God many days, With good reason to not believe in him. Everybody that goes to heaven prays, And I've said more then any that sin. Millions of people feel the same way, Only I can let it destroy me as it does. Life isn't meant to live in my own pain, Or to look back on all that once was. If this doesn't kill me not a thing will, But tomorrow will be more of the same. I am tumbling down this battle uphill, While I regret these decisions in shame. I've said this all so many times before, This self-loathing is destructive at best. Even my health is gone, I am so unsure, I commit suicide with every pill I ingest. I don't have any direction or purpose, One day will be my last I'm well aware. Even though I live like I don't know this, You'll never notice I am really scared.

Drug Induced - 12/6/05

Storm clouds,
In the blue skies,
Waiting to open,
Resembles,
Tears around,
Her blue eyes,
Forever broken.
She looks for meaning,
In questions of her own,
And thinks that bleeding,
Is only time spent alone.
Dissecting every kiss,
Leaving the lies intact.
She knows what truth is,
Behind her victims' back.
Lives wasted in her hands,
With no method or design,
Just poorly drawn plans,
That kills everyone in time.
She gets under the skin,
And devours their soul,
Infecting with a poison,
No remedies can control.
Picking apart every move,
She's a thief in the night,
Who is unable to choose,
If this is wrong or right.
The winter snow,
Crippling bodies at,
Minus sixty degrees,
Isn't as cold as,
The hate, the sorrow,
And the cruelty that,
Is her cold entity.

Tranquility - 11/24/05

The tranquility,
Makes me see,
The chance of,
Losing our love.
It hurts me less,
Then the mess,
I always make,
On each mistake.
There is not a,
Thing I can say,
To change how,
You hate me now,
Since I revealed,
Just how I feel.
But I give up too,
Easily for you,
And you say I,
Don't even try.
Though you meet,
A kid like me,
Almost everyday,
Or so you say.
Then why is it,
You'd give a shit,
If I lost all faith,
In the human race?
You still won't be,
The drug for me,
All that I need,
Is tranquility.

A Reason To Live - 11/19/05

I've told all that I can say,
In regards to how I feel.
When I say it to your face,
You think I am not real.
Twenty-three days after,
Twenty years to be exact,
Nothing seems to matter,
But my life is hardly intact.
You don't want me anymore,
Since you think I'm negative,
All I've ever asked you for,
Was just one reason to live.
I never asked you for much,
Even if I really wanted to.
It destroys me being such,
A waste of time for you.
I don't want to be alright,
And nothing more or less,
For my entire fucking life,
Or the life that comes next.
I am tired of moving past,
With only those memories,
That are forever attached,
Trying to keep me at ease.
I want to live up to your,
Expectations set too high.
I want my day twenty-four,
To incite day twenty-five.
You only put me through pain.
I wish you knew how I felt,
You don't see I'm not okay,
With the hand I was dealt.
I've been paying these dues,
All I've done for you is give,
Praying for you to choose,
To give me a reason to live.

Tragedy - 11/10/05

The words of a delinquent, All scribbled in prose, Trying to leave her hint, Of what everyone knows. Everyone else fucked up, She doesn't make a mistake. Even though she finds love, Seeing agony upon my face. She sees the good in bad, And it brings her pleasure. Replacing all that we had, With pain I can't measure. Things won't be the same, It doesn't matter if we try, You filled me with shame, And left me alone to die. It just once seemed so sad, Knowing that no prescription, Will cure the disease that, Is actually your addiction. I tried to find a happy end, But I only came up empty. I thought of you as a friend, Until the day you left me. For a while I was worried, That I'm forever incomplete. But all of the good stories, Have to include a tragedy.

Everything I Never Wanted - 11/1/05

Unfortunate circumstances,
With the failed chances,
Destroyed me more then,
I can ever even begin,
To tell you what's wrong,
Before my will is gone.
For it will disintegrate,
And leave me in a state,
Of hatred and discontent,
Just like I currently am.
I hate being this way.
Luck changes -- someday.
I'm at a loss for words,
As I hang from the cords,
Wrapped around my neck.
I despise all I have left.
I imagine restarting life,
Over on the other side,
So I can reestablish me,
And forge my own legacy.
This window's reflection,
Distorts my complexion.
Though I'm not sure why,
It makes me want to die,
But,
Right now,
Somehow,
I'm glad,
I have,
Everything I never wanted.

Deep Down Inside - 10/28/05

Deep down inside,
I know I'm ugly.
No need to hide,
You don't love me.

Deep down inside,
It hurt to feel,
Why I even tried,
Making things real.

Deep down inside,
A permanent wound,
Is opened up wide,
Infecting me soon.

Deep down inside,
I'm only a waste.
No reason to lie,
Right to my face.

Deep down inside,
I'm tearing apart,
It's like I died,
Without a heart.

Deep down inside,
Whatever I need,
Seems to supply,
Lust and greed.

Deep down inside,
I hate being as,
Emotionally tied,
To a horrid past.

Deep down inside,
I regret at night,
Letting you slide,
Off with my life.

Deep down inside,
I can't tell you,
The reasons why,
I hated you too.

Never Yours - 10/23/05

Whatever you do,
Don't fuck up again.
You have no clue,
Or memory of when,
You stabbed my back,
Hoping I'd forgive.
But I still lack,
A reason to live,
Another day with,
Any of your shit.
I feed on the pain,
Instead of complain,
So you appreciate,
A feeling of hate.
You can not see,
We will never be,
The same way again.
I'm not a friend,
Never your lover.
Maybe in another,
Lifetime or ten,
We'll make amends.
But just for now,
You can learn how,
To remember I am,
Never yours again.

My Anti-Love Song - 10/14/05

Maybe I didn't know what you need, You were so fragile and incomplete. I flattered you by making you first, I didn't care that the letdown hurt. Your perfection died many years ago, And you'll be the last one to know. You sing a melody of two gone wrong, I'm a sucker for an anti-love song. I tried bringing hope and direction, Which is now only a bad recollection. The only thing that I can't believe, Is how much you cost to be so cheap. Nothing was wrong then, nothing now, But things are never right somehow. We were black and white tinted red, Easy to read, almost better off dead. It took the best of me to be worst, To walk away before I felt remorse. I penned my anti-love song for you, In hopes you'd understand the truth. This is an emotial conflict between, The good and the bad -- you and me. Our end will always be bittersweet, And forever our unfinished symphony.

First Loser - 10/7/05

All of the excuses,
And the reasons why,
Maybe the abuse is,
How we each survive.
My back has given in,
Nevermind the heart,
I didn't ask to win,
I just needed a start.
Accepted the defeat,
And took a low blow.
Sat in the back seat,
And just let you go.

I said no one else could love you,
Then why is it that I still do?

Kissed you goodbye,
Waited for a return,
I am going to die,
Before I ever learn.
Options were infinite,
You were the mistake,
Take back every bit,
Just give me a break.
I'm a strung out user,
Pushed down your line.
I am the first loser,
Like every other time.

I said no one else could love you,
And I hope that they never do...

Not The One - 9/27/05

This overwhelming guilt, Like an inmate on death row, I need this suicide pill, To escape fear I don't know. Knowing the end is closing, And still dragging it on, I know I was not chosen, But I'm afraid to be gone. It won't get in my heart, I am not your only one, Until I've fallen apart, You will have not yet won. Cursing you in disguist, As I give all I can find, You destroyed my trust, And left my hopes behind. Your words are worth less, Then paper used to write, How you have made a mess, Out of mine and your life. I'd say sorry for it all, If I knew what I have done, I will not take this fall, If I am not your only one.

The Art Of Deception - 9/22/05

Anticipation and hope is all lost, The art of deception was the cause. Nothing to keep impressing you for, I'm a disappointment, nothing more. Self mutilation kept all inside, We both got hurt but no one died. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Everything you have ever despised, Is everything that I kept inside. Time wasted just because of me, It's obvious I'm not what I seem. Even better yet you're not shit, Life sucks sometimes doesn't it? Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. Tired of hanging my head in shame, Tired of placing myself with blame. Tired of obsessing over what isn't mine, Tired of wondering if I am really blind. Tired of giving a fuck how you feel. I hope your disappointment was real. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. This waste of your time, Isn't your life, it's mine. You could have had so much more, Not sure what you stayed here for. I think I've already left my mark, You should know I'm human, not art. Finding ways for this not to hurt, You were the only one sold short. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. This waste of your time, Isn't your life, it's mine. No apologies given to you, For everything I didn't do.

Anything - 9/11/05

Anything can be better then this, It's what I say each day I awake. I feel so empty and unaccomplished, Put this to an end for God's sake. My face cries from lack of emotion, And there's no need to place blame. I do seem to have a strange notion, That I have already lost this game. I'm scared of quitting while ahead, In fear of falling into the unknown. Things won't be well when I'm dead. If I'm only going to die all alone. No matter how long I drag this on, It's never going to be what I need, To explain for you once I am gone, What I could have done to succeed. All these tears were shed in vein, Crying for you to help me survive. You couldn't even remember my name, Promising me I am not really alive. With the world ahead in my sight, Everything still appears hopeless. I will fall asleep knowing tonight, Anything can be better then this...

Sketch - 9/8/05

A sketch on a piece of notebook paper, Flawed of imperfection and the eraser. I tried to draw exactly what I need, There is only an outline to be seen. Inside seems empty almost like myself, A girl like that is found only in hell. I knew exactly what I wanted back when, Fuck this piece of paper. Try again. And another picture drawn in my book, All this one has is the good looks. It seems like every other I've done. As shallow as each and every one. I can always look just never touch, One day I just want to be good enough. This isn't what I wanted to create, Fuck trying this again, it's too late. I'm burning my paper for my own sake, Trying over and over is only a waste. Nothing ever seems to turn out right, I will never know what it is I like. Put a gun in my mouth, I feel the need, I'm not convinced of my own mortality. I've lost all hope, this seems unreal, All the images make me not want to feel.

Mercy - 9/1/05

She falls out of love faster, Then the rain from the skies. Each footstep is a disaster, As they all drop like flies. She knows not what she needs, It will come to her one day. She only opens up and bleeds, Because she will not run away. Her mother promised her more, When she was merely a child. She isn't going to be a whore, If she only lives in denial. She's changing for the better, At least that's what she said. Since the day this boy met her, And put love back in her head. But this boy was not enough, To ever keep her satisfied. She told this boy it was love, Until the frigid night he died. An act of passion not of hate, But with no good reason why. This boy she had met by fate, Just one day deserved to die. Eyes transfixed on her figure, Not out of envy or a grudge. Only she pulled that trigger, As she stands before a judge. Questioning homicide or love, A jury finds hangs her at last. They seemed to take shape of, The many faces from her past. She wanted to beg for mercy, From this boy eternally lost. Knowing it forever hurts me, To have lived without a cause.

Complicated Things For Simple People - 8/28/05

Flying away from your perch, It's not the wind that hurts. Letting go of all you've known, You can't survive on your own. Everyone else has flown south, Only you are filled with doubt. Your wings have never been used, Just look at the life you choose. Everyone's gone, you still stay, You're in denial they'd go away. They always do this in your view, Ever thought that maybe it's you? This is impossible for the feeble... Complicated things for simple people.

Main Event - 8/21/05

Deep inside the crystal ball, Who knew how many would fall? Worked forever to get to here, Nearly two decades and a year. Soldiering on half a life span, All to flush it down the can. Forced to continue on and fight, When the end is nowhere in sight. A sun in the horizon in the unknown, To stare at while dreaming of home. The hype leading up to the main event, Counting the days, remember back then? The talk of the town for years to come, Never made a whisper now that it's done. An innocent life lies cold under a flag, Operation peace is fought in a body bag. Too broke to change their mind, Don't they know, are they blind? It may be free tuition they give, The prerequisite is first to live. How could our commander justify, Every innocent man going to die? Brutal carnage of a human army, This is the event he's paying to see? Fireworks in the air not for your eyes, When another erupts, another man dies. The hype leading up to the main event, Counting the days, remember back then? The talk of the town for years to come, Never made a whisper now that it's done. An innocent life lies cold under a flag, A war on terror is fought in a body bag. The strongest men gave their life, To protect his baby and his wife. A mission intended for the better, Or so he promises in every letter. He assures them he will soon return, That rainy day will forever burn. Leaving his baby girl with an image, Of his body that will never diminish. Everything he had ever wanted to be, Only lives in his baby and his legacy. The hype leading up to the main event, Counting the days, remember back then? The talk of the town for years to come, Never made a whisper now that it's done. An innocent life lies cold under a flag, Freedom is only achieved in a body bag.

Sin - 8/11/05

This is what it feels like to be needed, The more you need the better I'm treated. You live in the shadow of my own glory, Without your own all you can do is worry. You need me more then I need to suffer, But the long road home only gets rougher. This is what it feels like being used. You are the only one who's ever amused. Redemption is not a realistic thought, The life you have is the life I bought. I've sacrificed past giving up anymore, But I cannot change you, or this world. This is what it feels like to be empty, I only rely on you to be a crutch for me. Dreaming of dying peacefully all alone, Leaving nothing for you which was my own. Trading tales of each other's self pity, Sure as fucking hell doesn't deem unity. This is what it feels like being raped. Forced against my will to be enslaved. Slapped in the face with no reason why, Escape is impossible though I've tried. Once you've taken all that I held sacred, All you can do is make me feel degraded. This is what it feels like to be in hell, Confiding in the demons more then myself. Living in regret for choices I've made, You will forever be my biggest mistake. Only worsening with time I must give in, This is what it feels like living in sin.

Swords - 7/18/05

Holding your hand, Still wondering why, --Will it make sense? If we don't disband, I'd much rather die. Hearing your voice, Only brings me down, --Are you ever quiet? I have no other choice, But telling you this now. Finding painless words, If only I really could, --Don't they all hurt? Like a million swords, They never feel good. Trying only to explain, Every good reason why, --Don't you understand? I need to end the pain, And tell you goodbye. Sitting on the phone, Trying to show tact. --How do I tell you? I'd rather live alone, Then take you back.

Daydreamer - 6/30/05

Stuck somewhere between, This reality and a dream. Everything I shall hold, Turns to shit, not gold. Caught in the storm's eye, The calm is my only high. Trying to break the mold, And do not as I am told. Just wanting to be unique, Is a crutch for the meek, Who forever live in rue, For not living like you. While begging on my knees, I will eventually cease. And angels will not show, To my funeral in the snow. On a ground so immaculate, Forever soiled of my shit. No one else here to grieve, Or miss me after I leave. Everyone was really lying, Heaven wasn't worth dying. As I incinerate in hell, I'll just think to myself, I was too stupid to see, Jesus has never loved me.

She - 6/10/05

She is furthest from those closest, But she can never figure out why, If she hides in her bedroom to cry. She says she knows what love is, Wonder why she loves no one else, Including the select few she tells. She has been hurt too many times, Even though it's her own choice, To live humbly without a voice. She is going through depression, The past always makes her frown, Forgotten skeletons hold her down. She denies the guilty conscience, Only God knows what she did wrong, The lies don't help get it gone. She is terrified of opening up, Worried of someone getting close, It is way too painful she knows. She is afraid I know the truth, The one thing that will destroy, A little girl and this young boy. She wants to kill me in my sleep, Slowly, quietly take my breath, Take the only thing I have left. She doesn't know her own worth, Thinking she's easy to replace, When she puts her life to waste. She is simply a work in progress, That may be impossible to finish, Before one of us will diminish.

With You - 5/31/05

My words were spoken, With little meaning, Since the truth hurt. I am forever broken, Minus the bleeding, Over time cut short. We all fall down, I don't want to, Ever get up again. I thought I found, A forever in you, But that was then. I have truly lost, My will to bother, With the human race. You dare at any cost, Just like my father, To spit in my face. Waking to a voice, Too hard to believe, I can hold you tight. Torn with a choice, To stay or to leave, Or to suffer at night. I have always tried, To make you first, But you desired more. You ran off and lied, And left me for worse, One slam of the door. That image of deceit, Standing out on you, When you looked at me. The agony of defeat, It seemed so untrue, But it's all I'd see, When I was with you.

Deny 5/10/05

Insincere 5/2/05

Rearview Mirror - 4/18/05

Passing the windows of oppurtunity, Where is what we're supposed to see? Nevermind the people we will meet, There's even more on every street. Too fast to spend a life in regret, Close your eyes, and do what's best. Forget everything that is now gone, Go a little bit faster and carry on. Everything is a little bit clearer, When it is in the rearview mirror. Is everyone else two steps ahead? Will they only pass us and forget? Do we have the heart it really takes? To speed forever and not use brakes. How will we survive sudden impacts? Can we make this amazing pace last? What makes bumps in the road smooth? Will the voice beside me ever soothe? Everything is a little bit clearer, When it is in the rearview mirror. Time is the only enemy ahead of us, Can we succeed before becoming dust? Don't these questions have an answer? Or will they eat at us like cancer? Was this whole journey an illusion? We'll each find the same conclusion, As we make it into the final bend, The tunnel has no light at the end. Everything is a little bit clearer, When it is in the rearview mirror.

Four Years Ago (December) - 4/16/05

Too wonderful to forget, I still don't remember, Fit it inside your head, Four years ago December. A memoir of what's gone, No account of tomorrow, Desiring what you long, Lifetime full of sorrow. It was just meant to be, Feelings will never end, That's what you believe, I will never condescend. Four years ago December, We were just growing up, You just don't remember, What you think was love. Time meant to move past, Spent as years of denial, Wasted time passes fast, And you can't even smile. Why will you always cry, Claiming it is my fault, Tell me yet another lie, Bloody wounds love salt. Don't claim I'm the best, If that were hardly true, I would have never fled, To forget all about you. Four years ago December, We've since grown apart, You will always remember, That I broke your heart.

Gravity - 3/30/05

Pouring dirt on my shallow grave, It is not pity or dying I crave. Smelling flowers as dead as me, Is not my perfect idea of peace. There needs to be a way to fly, And avoid your perfect blue sky. I don't know what holds me here. The earth, or those I hold dear. Who is my enemy? You or gravity? Burning the remnants of my body, Reminds me of what I'll never be. Composing my epitaph years early, Isn't the future I lived to see. There needs to be a way to swim, Above your deepest gleaming ocean. I know not who can't let me leave, Those I love, or the air I breathe. Who is my enemy? You or gravity?

Small Doses - 3/26/05

Forget Me Not - 3/2/05

Dried to the mirror pane, Is a tinted brown stain. 'Twas blood from her vein, Which left a quaint verse. -"Never Again" Jotted with little remorse, In the unique font of hers, An angel could not compare. The floor held a sole fare, -"Forget Me Not" Next to a body past repair. Inside her breast pocket, Held her mothers' locket, Wrapped tight in a docket. -"I Have Sinned" This mess lays on the floor, Behind a young girl's door, Who has never cried before. The closing words she said, -"I'm Sorry" As she knelt beside her bed, And her wrists slowly bled.

Self - 2/21/05

I cannot rinse this pain, Away... The past can't ever drain, Or fade... But things are going to be, Fine... In your eyes, if you can't see, Mine... I live for the promises you, Break... You'll never know I truely, Hate... The lifetime I sincerely, Keep... Realizing my future is merely, Bleak. When tomorrow holds all but, Hope... And you persuade me to cut, Rope... And tie it to this inside, Shelf... And save this smile for my, Self...

Prone - 2/11/05

The answers you wanted me to try, To just give to you first hand, That I choked on and had to hide. To come clean I'd have to be a man. Which is something I'll never be, For as long as you push me down, You can never just love me for me. In my thoughts I will always drown, Because I'm ashamed to come clean, And admit to you how I really feel, For you just think I"m being mean. I sometimes doubt that you're real, Looking at how I change around you, I forget that there is anyone more. When I do realize what I go through, I wonder what I'm even trying for, Other then the fear of being alone, And not knowing how to sever ties. I wish I didn't have to be so prone, To falling in love with your lies.

Start Something - 2/3/05

The end of our world is coming. Fucker, let's go start something. Tomorrow is too close to today, It makes everyday feel the same. If something doesn't just change, I feel I am gonna fucking break. Tomorrow can't be the same shit, Life is intended for us to live. Demolish this proverbial mold, This God damned life seems old. If we fear society and change, Why do we want to see old age? We can just die happy and young, You won't see the change come. Talk is cheap when it's bland, Cheaper if you can't talk again. I won't be tied to this string, Fucker, let's go start something.

You - 1/30/05

I could love you forever. (If the world ends tomorrow.) I wouldn't lose you ever. (As long as I can forget you.) You'll never lose sleep again. (If you never get to sleep.) You'll always have a friend. (As long as it's not me.) You'll never wake up alone. (If you count your pillow.) You'll always have a home. (Just don't ask me where.) You'll forever sing in glee. (Just not your own songs.) You'll always get to be free. (It's all you'll ever have.)

Distance - 1/16/05

I feel like I've known you forever, What's my name, you don't remember? You're close enough to see and feel, But too far to believe in as real. You look straight from a magazine, But you'll only appear on my screen. Hearing your voice inside a phone, Yet falling asleep everynight alone. Every feeling just seems to be fake, If I'm not worth a breath you take. You can lie if it makes you proud, Since it's all your life is about. I'm not your knight in shining armor, If everyone else is too, you whore. But I'll spend forever by your side, If you're laid next to me when I die.

Solitary Confinement - 1/8/05

I don't want anymore, Solitary confinement. This feels like hell. Can't believe myself, Muchless in a savior. What kind of a favor, Is leaving me to die? Should I fucking try, To see the sun break? This is only my fate, Or whatever you said. Emptiness in my head, It's all that I know. Taking life too slow, Afraid of every step. Forever in your debt, For what I didn't do. Everyday tinted blue, To match my feelings. Glancing at ceilings, Begging them to fall. Put an end to it all, I don't want anymore, Solitary confinement.

Plastic Jesus - 12/24/04

Plastic Jesus we are so afraid,
We'll go to hell if we get laid.
You drive to heaven in a minivan,
We pose for only you, the man.

Plastic Jesus you're on my plate,
Are you fattening or are you safe?
We can't get fat and ugly you said,
Or we'll look even worse when dead.

Plastic Jesus how is my new outfit?
My only fear is you won't like it.
I don't want to suffer for eternity,
If you are dressed better then me.

Plastic Jesus, like what you hear?
I'll change to be like you my dear.
Music is neither really bad or good,
Listen to what Plastic Jesus would.

Plastic Jesus do you really love me?
I will die alone otherwise you see.
Nothing could ever hurt me any more,
Then Plastic Jesus saying I'm a whore.

Plastic Jesus you're my everything,
Nothing I do is really what I mean.
Plastic Jesus I'll conform for you,
That's what society says we must do.

Disposable, Replaceable - 11/6/04

Disposable, Replaceable,

That's all you need.
You can kill the tree,
But never the seed.
They come and go free,
If you're full of greed.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Take them as they come,
Sounds like a battery,
Insert yet another one,
Really it is only me,
Let the drain be done.

Disposable, Replaceable,

None ever seem the same,
But they are under cover.
You just play the game,
And replace with another.
You fail and we take blame.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Supply is getting thin,
But demand isn't high.
We're dead under the skin,
And we will never try,
To be placed back in.

Promises - 11/4/04

Lying in my own bed dreaming alone,
I can't feel any further from home.
I'm not in your first person lies,
About me, myself, and especially I.
You promised me I was the only one,
Until someone new and better comes.
I deny having ever kissed the lips,
Of yours since they smell of shit.
I can only wonder what went wrong,
Or if it was God's plan all along.
I can only blame my own rotten soul,
On why you call me a fucken asshole.
I try to forget and I try to repent.
But I'm stupid enough to try again.
And I will be just another mistake,
Left for dead in this world so fake.

Key - 10/8/04

The morning after and everything's gone,
Except a key I hold to a life of my own.
A key you can't copy but can only break,
Why is it the only thing you won't take?
I beg you to take me whole or in parts,
The tears will wash away this void heart.
I want to unlock the dreams that you cast,
Not temporarily lock away a misled past.
No matter how many keys tied on the ring,
Mine is always the one coming up missing.
Even if you need me more then the rest,
I can never be any more then second best.
To be wanted for once rather then used,
Could make me feel human and not abused.

Can't - 9/20/04

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your lover,
Can't go on anymore,
You're like no other.

Can't be your friend,
Can't even be a son,
Can't show how I feel,
When I'm the only one.

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your peer,
Can't be your elder,
When I live in fear.

Can't live like this,
Can't wake up again,
Can't make an excuse,
Put my life to an end.

Penny - 8/30/04

A penny is skipped into the pond,
And better life is wished upon.
Ripples are gently becoming gone,
Showing this dreaded reflection.

Birds observe sitting in a line,
As I beg to the water for a sign.
Trying to smile a cent at a time,
Why are the only open ears mine?

A heart sold and the pond buying,
Everytime each penny goes flying.
What tells me to continue trying,
If I'm the only one still crying?

One penny may mean nothing at all,
Considering we are about as small.
No matter how loud we try to call,
Deeper and deeper we seem to fall.

No matter how little it may seem,
Nothing good in life can be free.
Pennies wished upon just to see,
Your reflection here next to me.

Bullet - 8/16/04

My problems once seemed so severe.
But the past is done, future near.
The solution is so simple anymore,
You can do it, even if you're four.
The key to the door of my lifetime,
Is so cold and the shape of a dime.
But it is merely an ounce in weight,
Which is a bit bigger then my brain.
A shiny barrel is always on my side,
To be my tissues when I need to cry.
As I pull the hammer near my chest,
I think of those whom I loved best.
And their voices all come in static,
Is this my only hope to be emphatic?
So I raise my hopes next to my ear,
To remove any doubt of why I'm here.
I say I don't want the pain anymore,
But the gun just falls to the floor.
The escape from this misery serves,
As just another bad lesson learned.

More - 8/12/04

More abandoned souls,
Then cemetaries hold.
More hearts destroyed,
Then childrens' toys.
More lives were ended,
Then glue has mended.
More necks on a rope,
Then our alotted hope.
More tears from eyes,
Then rain in the skies.
More guns to the head,
Then I Love Yous said.
More ways of punishing,
Then your encouraging.
More time spent alone,
Then humanity at home.
More drugs in the head,
Then caring words said.
More about appearance,
Then a sinner repents.
More hate from a teen,
Then life in the body.
More deadbeat mentors,
Then sand on seashores.
More need to just quit,
Then you giving a shit...

Father (Part II) - 8/7/04

If I wanted to quit now and be like him,
I'd imagine just what I could have been.
If I had a way to live my life for free,
I'd tell you where money could get me.
If I could buy my life twenty per pack,
I'd save my dollars and buy a life back.
If I could shame neighbors out of meals,
I'd still care about how my child feels.
If I had a social life to even defend,
I'd think I was really someone's friend.
If I had a woman to be 'in love' with,
I'd smoke dope and let us fall to shit.
If I had the chance to be out of debt,
I'd lie so I can write you a bad check.
If I could relax on my couch all week,
I'd fantasize to be some TV star I see.
If I had to support myself on my own,
I'd cry about it to you over the phone.
If I could pretend I was still a teen,
I'd quit faking it and say what I mean.
If I could be like my father and fail,
This would be the life I have entailed.

(Sym)Pathetic - 8/4/04

Trying to force words to flow,
Writing things I will never show.
The faint whisper in the crowd,
Is all the voice I am allowed.
I cannot tell wrong from right.
It feels like every other night.
Hanging in between good and bad,
Which are both lives I now have.
An empty chamber full of hopes,
Just to break me from your ropes.
I was trying to be sym(pathetic),
You love me? Fuck you, forget it.
Lost somewhere under your shame,
We can't even speak my own name.
Running away is my only escape,
Before you will become my fate.

Ballad - 7/18/04

No one reads the ballad to myself,
Wrote on my lips, crying for help.
Eleven months and you're still gone,
Ask your God where I've went wrong.
Does he even listen for fuck's sake?
Has everything been a mere mistake?
Don't you hear me crying for mercy?
Should I believe he has cursed me?
My clock contains worthless digits,
This future doesn't give two shits.
The past is never going to return,
Being happy alone is hard to learn.
Suicide seems to be my motivation.
Should I live for such a sensation?
There is no life to find or desire,
My soul turns to ash in your fire.
Will I still suffer years from now?
If there is an escape show me how.