Disassembled - 12/30/05

A member of the disassembled youth, With nothing more than bad habits, Used to sedate and find inner truth. Not the life one can choose, but it's, Too easy to quit now after this long. Nothing explains God's own intuition, Leaving so many lives horribly wrong, Against the odds of rational decision. Fate lies in his hands while we float, Helplessly down a stream of society, Trying not to drown all of our hope, In a cold, shallow, dangerous reality. Very few will ever know the feeling, Many more will only pretend they do, They will never spend a life kneeling, Praying for light to guide them through. Tomorrow will be crueller then today, The struggle must be abandoned soon, If we lose any more reason to stay, And let our tears and frustration loom. We are not here to play in your game, And we refuse to become your slave, Disregard the money, material or fame, These scars will follow us to the grave. We don't want you to suggest the past, Even if it is a better chapter then this, The good memories know how to last, Giving us some sort of warrant to live. The feelings are getting too common, And roads are coming to a dead end, Only one set of gates needs to open, To make it all worth while once again. We are one group strong, entwined, With a damaged or missing identity, Everything we accomplish is defined, With our faith, dignity and serenity. God may have forgotten we existed, Or maybe it is a type of human irony, But there is a meaning amongst this, It will unfold slowly just like poetry.

Excuses - 12/25/05

No excuses left to explain, That everything is alright. Lying doesn't cure the pain, That recurs every night. It's eighty degrees today, Inside I am freezing cold. I've always felt the same, And it's gotten really old. The drugs on which I rely, To keep feeling in my body, Are all that keep me alive, But they're low on quantity. Motivation is hard to grasp, If feeling is not allowed. I'm tired of being the last, To have reason to be proud. I don't need another excuse, To stay clean yet optimistic. Afterall I only seem to lose, Touch with where my life is. Your ridicule has no point, When I have done no wrong. This wasn't my own choice, Having nothing for so long. I don't want to be this way, When your life is perfect. Nothing you will ever say, Can make my life worth it. You waste more than I will, Ever have in my possession. I know all that you had still, Will not fix my depression. Still you throw it at my feet, Expecting me to praise you. It only helps me better see, How little you amount to. I don't excuse myself just, To make up for what I lack. I gave you all I had in trust, And now I want it all back.

Father (Part III) - 12/17/05

You're a carbon copy of,
The most severe fuckup,
Anyone has witnessed,
Without slicing their wrist,
Any man must be a saint,
To not kill you out of hate.
To think I've withstood,
All of the abuse I could,
These past few years,
Only falls on deaf ears,
When I tell you that I,
Need me or you to die,
Because I can't tolerate,
One more fucking day,
Of the drugs or the lies,
That fill your small mind.
You know who you are,
If you've read this far,
But you pay no mind to,
Anything I will say or do,
So I know not to expect,
Any more then the regret,
That I dealt with so long,
'Til hope for you was gone.
It's a never ending fight,
I cease battle every night,
So I don't shoot you or me,
As we regroup in our sleep,
To start over another day,
About more of the same,
Things you want from me,
That in reality you need,
To earn all by yourself,
But can't live without help.
You push me until I bend,
And remind me that I am,
Nothing to you, a no one,
A selfish and useless son.

Hollywood - 12/13/05

Hollywood is now the living hell, Where the undead demons roam. I am breaking out of this shell, I will now call Hollywood home. I dreamed of home I don't hate, Where crimes are the only guilt, Somewhere far from this place, A place that I wish I had built. The models all purge their souls, I am none better than they are, We both have unfixable holes, Except they can hide their scars. I want everything but need none, I need what no one can give me. I may want a piece of everyone, But I don't know what I'd need. Religion can't compare to drugs, Everyone is strung out or dead. I will sell my soul and my luck, For a hot shower and warm bed. Sacrifice is a part of the game, Someday it will all be worth it, They say money isn't to blame, For the thousands left homeless. Everyone is ugly on the inside, This isn't the dream I created, I am left here alone to decide, If I want to love being hated, This is the worst decision ever, I'd take it all back if I could. I wanted the world, but I never, Needed to live in Hollywood.

Scared - 12/10/05

I've lost faith in all that I've known, Everything has failed, and I am done. I have nothing in life to call my own, My father doesn't even claim his son. It seems like one hundred fifty times, I've begged forgiveness as I've cried. I've even asked God himself for signs, To tell me what it is keeping me alive. I've done a lot wrong in twenty years, Though I've done about as much right. Going to sleep alone at night in tears, Makes me want to give up on this fight. I've changed for the better I thought, But it looks like I was wrong yet again. All I can have is the little I've bought, And the little I have is a lifetime spent. I've turned my head on God many days, With good reason to not believe in him. Everybody that goes to heaven prays, And I've said more then any that sin. Millions of people feel the same way, Only I can let it destroy me as it does. Life isn't meant to live in my own pain, Or to look back on all that once was. If this doesn't kill me not a thing will, But tomorrow will be more of the same. I am tumbling down this battle uphill, While I regret these decisions in shame. I've said this all so many times before, This self-loathing is destructive at best. Even my health is gone, I am so unsure, I commit suicide with every pill I ingest. I don't have any direction or purpose, One day will be my last I'm well aware. Even though I live like I don't know this, You'll never notice I am really scared.

Drug Induced - 12/6/05

Storm clouds,
In the blue skies,
Waiting to open,
Resembles,
Tears around,
Her blue eyes,
Forever broken.
She looks for meaning,
In questions of her own,
And thinks that bleeding,
Is only time spent alone.
Dissecting every kiss,
Leaving the lies intact.
She knows what truth is,
Behind her victims' back.
Lives wasted in her hands,
With no method or design,
Just poorly drawn plans,
That kills everyone in time.
She gets under the skin,
And devours their soul,
Infecting with a poison,
No remedies can control.
Picking apart every move,
She's a thief in the night,
Who is unable to choose,
If this is wrong or right.
The winter snow,
Crippling bodies at,
Minus sixty degrees,
Isn't as cold as,
The hate, the sorrow,
And the cruelty that,
Is her cold entity.

Tranquility - 11/24/05

The tranquility,
Makes me see,
The chance of,
Losing our love.
It hurts me less,
Then the mess,
I always make,
On each mistake.
There is not a,
Thing I can say,
To change how,
You hate me now,
Since I revealed,
Just how I feel.
But I give up too,
Easily for you,
And you say I,
Don't even try.
Though you meet,
A kid like me,
Almost everyday,
Or so you say.
Then why is it,
You'd give a shit,
If I lost all faith,
In the human race?
You still won't be,
The drug for me,
All that I need,
Is tranquility.

A Reason To Live - 11/19/05

I've told all that I can say,
In regards to how I feel.
When I say it to your face,
You think I am not real.
Twenty-three days after,
Twenty years to be exact,
Nothing seems to matter,
But my life is hardly intact.
You don't want me anymore,
Since you think I'm negative,
All I've ever asked you for,
Was just one reason to live.
I never asked you for much,
Even if I really wanted to.
It destroys me being such,
A waste of time for you.
I don't want to be alright,
And nothing more or less,
For my entire fucking life,
Or the life that comes next.
I am tired of moving past,
With only those memories,
That are forever attached,
Trying to keep me at ease.
I want to live up to your,
Expectations set too high.
I want my day twenty-four,
To incite day twenty-five.
You only put me through pain.
I wish you knew how I felt,
You don't see I'm not okay,
With the hand I was dealt.
I've been paying these dues,
All I've done for you is give,
Praying for you to choose,
To give me a reason to live.

Tragedy - 11/10/05

The words of a delinquent, All scribbled in prose, Trying to leave her hint, Of what everyone knows. Everyone else fucked up, She doesn't make a mistake. Even though she finds love, Seeing agony upon my face. She sees the good in bad, And it brings her pleasure. Replacing all that we had, With pain I can't measure. Things won't be the same, It doesn't matter if we try, You filled me with shame, And left me alone to die. It just once seemed so sad, Knowing that no prescription, Will cure the disease that, Is actually your addiction. I tried to find a happy end, But I only came up empty. I thought of you as a friend, Until the day you left me. For a while I was worried, That I'm forever incomplete. But all of the good stories, Have to include a tragedy.

Everything I Never Wanted - 11/1/05

Unfortunate circumstances,
With the failed chances,
Destroyed me more then,
I can ever even begin,
To tell you what's wrong,
Before my will is gone.
For it will disintegrate,
And leave me in a state,
Of hatred and discontent,
Just like I currently am.
I hate being this way.
Luck changes -- someday.
I'm at a loss for words,
As I hang from the cords,
Wrapped around my neck.
I despise all I have left.
I imagine restarting life,
Over on the other side,
So I can reestablish me,
And forge my own legacy.
This window's reflection,
Distorts my complexion.
Though I'm not sure why,
It makes me want to die,
But,
Right now,
Somehow,
I'm glad,
I have,
Everything I never wanted.

Deep Down Inside - 10/28/05

Deep down inside,
I know I'm ugly.
No need to hide,
You don't love me.

Deep down inside,
It hurt to feel,
Why I even tried,
Making things real.

Deep down inside,
A permanent wound,
Is opened up wide,
Infecting me soon.

Deep down inside,
I'm only a waste.
No reason to lie,
Right to my face.

Deep down inside,
I'm tearing apart,
It's like I died,
Without a heart.

Deep down inside,
Whatever I need,
Seems to supply,
Lust and greed.

Deep down inside,
I hate being as,
Emotionally tied,
To a horrid past.

Deep down inside,
I regret at night,
Letting you slide,
Off with my life.

Deep down inside,
I can't tell you,
The reasons why,
I hated you too.

Never Yours - 10/23/05

Whatever you do,
Don't fuck up again.
You have no clue,
Or memory of when,
You stabbed my back,
Hoping I'd forgive.
But I still lack,
A reason to live,
Another day with,
Any of your shit.
I feed on the pain,
Instead of complain,
So you appreciate,
A feeling of hate.
You can not see,
We will never be,
The same way again.
I'm not a friend,
Never your lover.
Maybe in another,
Lifetime or ten,
We'll make amends.
But just for now,
You can learn how,
To remember I am,
Never yours again.

My Anti-Love Song - 10/14/05

Maybe I didn't know what you need, You were so fragile and incomplete. I flattered you by making you first, I didn't care that the letdown hurt. Your perfection died many years ago, And you'll be the last one to know. You sing a melody of two gone wrong, I'm a sucker for an anti-love song. I tried bringing hope and direction, Which is now only a bad recollection. The only thing that I can't believe, Is how much you cost to be so cheap. Nothing was wrong then, nothing now, But things are never right somehow. We were black and white tinted red, Easy to read, almost better off dead. It took the best of me to be worst, To walk away before I felt remorse. I penned my anti-love song for you, In hopes you'd understand the truth. This is an emotial conflict between, The good and the bad -- you and me. Our end will always be bittersweet, And forever our unfinished symphony.

First Loser - 10/7/05

All of the excuses,
And the reasons why,
Maybe the abuse is,
How we each survive.
My back has given in,
Nevermind the heart,
I didn't ask to win,
I just needed a start.
Accepted the defeat,
And took a low blow.
Sat in the back seat,
And just let you go.

I said no one else could love you,
Then why is it that I still do?

Kissed you goodbye,
Waited for a return,
I am going to die,
Before I ever learn.
Options were infinite,
You were the mistake,
Take back every bit,
Just give me a break.
I'm a strung out user,
Pushed down your line.
I am the first loser,
Like every other time.

I said no one else could love you,
And I hope that they never do...

Not The One - 9/27/05

This overwhelming guilt, Like an inmate on death row, I need this suicide pill, To escape fear I don't know. Knowing the end is closing, And still dragging it on, I know I was not chosen, But I'm afraid to be gone. It won't get in my heart, I am not your only one, Until I've fallen apart, You will have not yet won. Cursing you in disguist, As I give all I can find, You destroyed my trust, And left my hopes behind. Your words are worth less, Then paper used to write, How you have made a mess, Out of mine and your life. I'd say sorry for it all, If I knew what I have done, I will not take this fall, If I am not your only one.

The Art Of Deception - 9/22/05

Anticipation and hope is all lost, The art of deception was the cause. Nothing to keep impressing you for, I'm a disappointment, nothing more. Self mutilation kept all inside, We both got hurt but no one died. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Everything you have ever despised, Is everything that I kept inside. Time wasted just because of me, It's obvious I'm not what I seem. Even better yet you're not shit, Life sucks sometimes doesn't it? Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. Tired of hanging my head in shame, Tired of placing myself with blame. Tired of obsessing over what isn't mine, Tired of wondering if I am really blind. Tired of giving a fuck how you feel. I hope your disappointment was real. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. This waste of your time, Isn't your life, it's mine. You could have had so much more, Not sure what you stayed here for. I think I've already left my mark, You should know I'm human, not art. Finding ways for this not to hurt, You were the only one sold short. Built up your hopes, And watched them fall. Witnessing as you choke, I wouldn't change at all. This waste of your time, Isn't your life, it's mine. No apologies given to you, For everything I didn't do.

Anything - 9/11/05

Anything can be better then this, It's what I say each day I awake. I feel so empty and unaccomplished, Put this to an end for God's sake. My face cries from lack of emotion, And there's no need to place blame. I do seem to have a strange notion, That I have already lost this game. I'm scared of quitting while ahead, In fear of falling into the unknown. Things won't be well when I'm dead. If I'm only going to die all alone. No matter how long I drag this on, It's never going to be what I need, To explain for you once I am gone, What I could have done to succeed. All these tears were shed in vein, Crying for you to help me survive. You couldn't even remember my name, Promising me I am not really alive. With the world ahead in my sight, Everything still appears hopeless. I will fall asleep knowing tonight, Anything can be better then this...

Sketch - 9/8/05

A sketch on a piece of notebook paper, Flawed of imperfection and the eraser. I tried to draw exactly what I need, There is only an outline to be seen. Inside seems empty almost like myself, A girl like that is found only in hell. I knew exactly what I wanted back when, Fuck this piece of paper. Try again. And another picture drawn in my book, All this one has is the good looks. It seems like every other I've done. As shallow as each and every one. I can always look just never touch, One day I just want to be good enough. This isn't what I wanted to create, Fuck trying this again, it's too late. I'm burning my paper for my own sake, Trying over and over is only a waste. Nothing ever seems to turn out right, I will never know what it is I like. Put a gun in my mouth, I feel the need, I'm not convinced of my own mortality. I've lost all hope, this seems unreal, All the images make me not want to feel.

Mercy - 9/1/05

She falls out of love faster, Then the rain from the skies. Each footstep is a disaster, As they all drop like flies. She knows not what she needs, It will come to her one day. She only opens up and bleeds, Because she will not run away. Her mother promised her more, When she was merely a child. She isn't going to be a whore, If she only lives in denial. She's changing for the better, At least that's what she said. Since the day this boy met her, And put love back in her head. But this boy was not enough, To ever keep her satisfied. She told this boy it was love, Until the frigid night he died. An act of passion not of hate, But with no good reason why. This boy she had met by fate, Just one day deserved to die. Eyes transfixed on her figure, Not out of envy or a grudge. Only she pulled that trigger, As she stands before a judge. Questioning homicide or love, A jury finds hangs her at last. They seemed to take shape of, The many faces from her past. She wanted to beg for mercy, From this boy eternally lost. Knowing it forever hurts me, To have lived without a cause.

Complicated Things For Simple People - 8/28/05

Flying away from your perch, It's not the wind that hurts. Letting go of all you've known, You can't survive on your own. Everyone else has flown south, Only you are filled with doubt. Your wings have never been used, Just look at the life you choose. Everyone's gone, you still stay, You're in denial they'd go away. They always do this in your view, Ever thought that maybe it's you? This is impossible for the feeble... Complicated things for simple people.