Writings 2001-Present

Disassembled - 12/30/05

2009-09-21T22:47:00.001-07:00

A member of the disassembled youth,
With nothing more than bad habits,
Used to sedate and find inner truth.
Not the life one can choose, but it's,
Too easy to quit now after this long.
Nothing explains God's own intuition,
Leaving so many lives horribly wrong,
Against the odds of rational decision.
Fate lies in his hands while we float,
Helplessly down a stream of society,
Trying not to drown all of our hope,
In a cold, shallow, dangerous reality.
Very few will ever know the feeling,
Many more will only pretend they do,
They will never spend a life kneeling,
Praying for light to guide them through.
Tomorrow will be crueller then today,
The struggle must be abandoned soon,
If we lose any more reason to stay,
And let our tears and frustration loom.
We are not here to play in your game,
And we refuse to become your slave,
Disregard the money, material or fame,
These scars will follow us to the grave.
We don't want you to suggest the past,
Even if it is a better chapter then this,
The good memories know how to last,
Giving us some sort of warrant to live.
The feelings are getting too common,
And roads are coming to a dead end,
Only one set of gates needs to open,
To make it all worth while once again.
We are one group strong, entwined,
With a damaged or missing identity,
Everything we accomplish is defined,
With our faith, dignity and serenity.
God may have forgotten we existed,
Or maybe it is a type of human irony,
But there is a meaning amongst this,
It will unfold slowly just like poetry.

Excuses - 12/25/05

2009-09-21T22:46:00.002-07:00

No excuses left to explain,
That everything is alright.
Lying doesn't cure the pain,
That recurs every night.
It's eighty degrees today,
Inside I am freezing cold.
I've always felt the same,
And it's gotten really old.
The drugs on which I rely,
To keep feeling in my body,
Are all that keep me alive,
But they're low on quantity.
Motivation is hard to grasp,
If feeling is not allowed.
I'm tired of being the last,
To have reason to be proud.
I don't need another excuse,
To stay clean yet optimistic.
Afterall I only seem to lose,
Touch with where my life is.
Your ridicule has no point,
When I have done no wrong.
This wasn't my own choice,
Having nothing for so long.
I don't want to be this way,
When your life is perfect.
Nothing you will ever say,
Can make my life worth it.
You waste more than I will,
Ever have in my possession.
I know all that you had still,
Will not fix my depression.
Still you throw it at my feet,
Expecting me to praise you.
It only helps me better see,
How little you amount to.
I don't excuse myself just,
To make up for what I lack.
I gave you all I had in trust,
And now I want it all back.

Father (Part III) - 12/17/05

2009-09-21T22:46:00.001-07:00

You're a carbon copy of,
The most severe fuckup,
Anyone has witnessed,
Without slicing their wrist,
Any man must be a saint,
To not kill you out of hate.
To think I've withstood,
All of the abuse I could,
These past few years,
Only falls on deaf ears,
When I tell you that I,
Need me or you to die,
Because I can't tolerate,
One more fucking day,
Of the drugs or the lies,
That fill your small mind.
You know who you are,
If you've read this far,
But you pay no mind to,
Anything I will say or do,
So I know not to expect,
Any more then the regret,
That I dealt with so long,
'Til hope for you was gone.
It's a never ending fight,
I cease battle every night,
So I don't shoot you or me,
As we regroup in our sleep,
To start over another day,
About more of the same,
Things you want from me,
That in reality you need,
To earn all by yourself,
But can't live without help.
You push me until I bend,
And remind me that I am,
Nothing to you, a no one,
A selfish and useless son.

Hollywood - 12/13/05

2009-09-21T22:45:00.003-07:00

Hollywood is now the living hell,
Where the undead demons roam.
I am breaking out of this shell,
I will now call Hollywood home.
I dreamed of home I don't hate,
Where crimes are the only guilt,
Somewhere far from this place,
A place that I wish I had built.
The models all purge their souls,
I am none better than they are,
We both have unfixable holes,
Except they can hide their scars.
I want everything but need none,
I need what no one can give me.
I may want a piece of everyone,
But I don't know what I'd need.
Religion can't compare to drugs,
Everyone is strung out or dead.
I will sell my soul and my luck,
For a hot shower and warm bed.
Sacrifice is a part of the game,
Someday it will all be worth it,
They say money isn't to blame,
For the thousands left homeless.
Everyone is ugly on the inside,
This isn't the dream I created,
I am left here alone to decide,
If I want to love being hated,
This is the worst decision ever,
I'd take it all back if I could.
I wanted the world, but I never,
Needed to live in Hollywood.

Scared - 12/10/05

2009-09-21T22:45:00.001-07:00

I've lost faith in all that I've known,
Everything has failed, and I am done.
I have nothing in life to call my own,
My father doesn't even claim his son.
It seems like one hundred fifty times,
I've begged forgiveness as I've cried.
I've even asked God himself for signs,
To tell me what it is keeping me alive.
I've done a lot wrong in twenty years,
Though I've done about as much right.
Going to sleep alone at night in tears,
Makes me want to give up on this fight.
I've changed for the better I thought,
But it looks like I was wrong yet again.
All I can have is the little I've bought,
And the little I have is a lifetime spent.
I've turned my head on God many days,
With good reason to not believe in him.
Everybody that goes to heaven prays,
And I've said more then any that sin.
Millions of people feel the same way,
Only I can let it destroy me as it does.
Life isn't meant to live in my own pain,
Or to look back on all that once was.
If this doesn't kill me not a thing will,
But tomorrow will be more of the same.
I am tumbling down this battle uphill,
While I regret these decisions in shame.
I've said this all so many times before,
This self-loathing is destructive at best.
Even my health is gone, I am so unsure,
I commit suicide with every pill I ingest.
I don't have any direction or purpose,
One day will be my last I'm well aware.
Even though I live like I don't know this,
You'll never notice I am really scared.

Drug Induced - 12/6/05

2009-09-21T22:44:00.002-07:00

Storm clouds,
In the blue skies,
Waiting to open,
Resembles,
Tears around,
Her blue eyes,
Forever broken.
She looks for meaning,
In questions of her own,
And thinks that bleeding,
Is only time spent alone.
Dissecting every kiss,
Leaving the lies intact.
She knows what truth is,
Behind her victims' back.
Lives wasted in her hands,
With no method or design,
Just poorly drawn plans,
That kills everyone in time.
She gets under the skin,
And devours their soul,
Infecting with a poison,
No remedies can control.
Picking apart every move,
She's a thief in the night,
Who is unable to choose,
If this is wrong or right.
The winter snow,
Crippling bodies at,
Minus sixty degrees,
Isn't as cold as,
The hate, the sorrow,
And the cruelty that,
Is her cold entity.

Tranquility - 11/24/05

2009-09-21T22:44:00.001-07:00

The tranquility,
Makes me see,
The chance of,
Losing our love.
It hurts me less,
Then the mess,
I always make,
On each mistake.
There is not a,
Thing I can say,
To change how,
You hate me now,
Since I revealed,
Just how I feel.
But I give up too,
Easily for you,
And you say I,
Don't even try.
Though you meet,
A kid like me,
Almost everyday,
Or so you say.
Then why is it,
You'd give a shit,
If I lost all faith,
In the human race?
You still won't be,
The drug for me,
All that I need,
Is tranquility.

A Reason To Live - 11/19/05

2009-09-21T22:43:00.001-07:00

I've told all that I can say,
In regards to how I feel.
When I say it to your face,
You think I am not real.
Twenty-three days after,
Twenty years to be exact,
Nothing seems to matter,
But my life is hardly intact.
You don't want me anymore,
Since you think I'm negative,
All I've ever asked you for,
Was just one reason to live.
I never asked you for much,
Even if I really wanted to.
It destroys me being such,
A waste of time for you.
I don't want to be alright,
And nothing more or less,
For my entire fucking life,
Or the life that comes next.
I am tired of moving past,
With only those memories,
That are forever attached,
Trying to keep me at ease.
I want to live up to your,
Expectations set too high.
I want my day twenty-four,
To incite day twenty-five.
You only put me through pain.
I wish you knew how I felt,
You don't see I'm not okay,
With the hand I was dealt.
I've been paying these dues,
All I've done for you is give,
Praying for you to choose,
To give me a reason to live.

Tragedy - 11/10/05

2009-09-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

The words of a delinquent,
All scribbled in prose,
Trying to leave her hint,
Of what everyone knows.
Everyone else fucked up,
She doesn't make a mistake.
Even though she finds love,
Seeing agony upon my face.
She sees the good in bad,
And it brings her pleasure.
Replacing all that we had,
With pain I can't measure.
Things won't be the same,
It doesn't matter if we try,
You filled me with shame,
And left me alone to die.
It just once seemed so sad,
Knowing that no prescription,
Will cure the disease that,
Is actually your addiction.
I tried to find a happy end,
But I only came up empty.
I thought of you as a friend,
Until the day you left me.
For a while I was worried,
That I'm forever incomplete.
But all of the good stories,
Have to include a tragedy.

Everything I Never Wanted - 11/1/05

2009-09-21T22:41:00.002-07:00

Unfortunate circumstances,
With the failed chances,
Destroyed me more then,
I can ever even begin,
To tell you what's wrong,
Before my will is gone.
For it will disintegrate,
And leave me in a state,
Of hatred and discontent,
Just like I currently am.
I hate being this way.
Luck changes -- someday.
I'm at a loss for words,
As I hang from the cords,
Wrapped around my neck.
I despise all I have left.
I imagine restarting life,
Over on the other side,
So I can reestablish me,
And forge my own legacy.
This window's reflection,
Distorts my complexion.
Though I'm not sure why,
It makes me want to die,
But,
Right now,
Somehow,
I'm glad,
I have,
Everything I never wanted.

Deep Down Inside - 10/28/05

2009-09-21T22:41:00.001-07:00

Deep down inside,
I know I'm ugly.
No need to hide,
You don't love me.

Deep down inside,
It hurt to feel,
Why I even tried,
Making things real.

Deep down inside,
A permanent wound,
Is opened up wide,
Infecting me soon.

Deep down inside,
I'm only a waste.
No reason to lie,
Right to my face.

Deep down inside,
I'm tearing apart,
It's like I died,
Without a heart.

Deep down inside,
Whatever I need,
Seems to supply,
Lust and greed.

Deep down inside,
I hate being as,
Emotionally tied,
To a horrid past.

Deep down inside,
I regret at night,
Letting you slide,
Off with my life.

Deep down inside,
I can't tell you,
The reasons why,
I hated you too.

Never Yours - 10/23/05

2009-09-21T22:40:00.002-07:00

Whatever you do,
Don't fuck up again.
You have no clue,
Or memory of when,
You stabbed my back,
Hoping I'd forgive.
But I still lack,
A reason to live,
Another day with,
Any of your shit.
I feed on the pain,
Instead of complain,
So you appreciate,
A feeling of hate.
You can not see,
We will never be,
The same way again.
I'm not a friend,
Never your lover.
Maybe in another,
Lifetime or ten,
We'll make amends.
But just for now,
You can learn how,
To remember I am,
Never yours again.

My Anti-Love Song - 10/14/05

2009-09-21T22:40:00.001-07:00

Maybe I didn't know what you need,
You were so fragile and incomplete.
I flattered you by making you first,
I didn't care that the letdown hurt.
Your perfection died many years ago,
And you'll be the last one to know.
You sing a melody of two gone wrong,
I'm a sucker for an anti-love song.
I tried bringing hope and direction,
Which is now only a bad recollection.
The only thing that I can't believe,
Is how much you cost to be so cheap.
Nothing was wrong then, nothing now,
But things are never right somehow.
We were black and white tinted red,
Easy to read, almost better off dead.
It took the best of me to be worst,
To walk away before I felt remorse.
I penned my anti-love song for you,
In hopes you'd understand the truth.
This is an emotial conflict between,
The good and the bad -- you and me.
Our end will always be bittersweet,
And forever our unfinished symphony.

First Loser - 10/7/05

2009-09-21T22:39:00.002-07:00

All of the excuses,
And the reasons why,
Maybe the abuse is,
How we each survive.
My back has given in,
Nevermind the heart,
I didn't ask to win,
I just needed a start.
Accepted the defeat,
And took a low blow.
Sat in the back seat,
And just let you go.

I said no one else could love you,
Then why is it that I still do?

Kissed you goodbye,
Waited for a return,
I am going to die,
Before I ever learn.
Options were infinite,
You were the mistake,
Take back every bit,
Just give me a break.
I'm a strung out user,
Pushed down your line.
I am the first loser,
Like every other time.

I said no one else could love you,
And I hope that they never do...

Not The One - 9/27/05

2009-09-21T22:39:00.001-07:00

This overwhelming guilt,
Like an inmate on death row,
I need this suicide pill,
To escape fear I don't know.
Knowing the end is closing,
And still dragging it on,
I know I was not chosen,
But I'm afraid to be gone.
It won't get in my heart,
I am not your only one,
Until I've fallen apart,
You will have not yet won.
Cursing you in disguist,
As I give all I can find,
You destroyed my trust,
And left my hopes behind.
Your words are worth less,
Then paper used to write,
How you have made a mess,
Out of mine and your life.
I'd say sorry for it all,
If I knew what I have done,
I will not take this fall,
If I am not your only one.

The Art Of Deception - 9/22/05

2009-09-21T22:37:00.002-07:00

Anticipation and hope is all lost,
The art of deception was the cause.
Nothing to keep impressing you for,
I'm a disappointment, nothing more.
Self mutilation kept all inside,
We both got hurt but no one died.

Built up your hopes,
And watched them fall.

Everything you have ever despised,
Is everything that I kept inside.
Time wasted just because of me,
It's obvious I'm not what I seem.
Even better yet you're not shit,
Life sucks sometimes doesn't it?

Built up your hopes,
And watched them fall.
Witnessing as you choke,
I wouldn't change at all.

Tired of hanging my head in shame,
Tired of placing myself with blame.
Tired of obsessing over what isn't mine,
Tired of wondering if I am really blind.
Tired of giving a fuck how you feel.
I hope your disappointment was real.

Built up your hopes,
And watched them fall.
Witnessing as you choke,
I wouldn't change at all.
This waste of your time,
Isn't your life, it's mine.

You could have had so much more,
Not sure what you stayed here for.
I think I've already left my mark,
You should know I'm human, not art.
Finding ways for this not to hurt,
You were the only one sold short.

Built up your hopes,
And watched them fall.
Witnessing as you choke,
I wouldn't change at all.
This waste of your time,
Isn't your life, it's mine.
No apologies given to you,
For everything I didn't do.

Anything - 9/11/05

2009-09-21T22:37:00.001-07:00

Anything can be better then this,
It's what I say each day I awake.
I feel so empty and unaccomplished,
Put this to an end for God's sake.
My face cries from lack of emotion,
And there's no need to place blame.
I do seem to have a strange notion,
That I have already lost this game.
I'm scared of quitting while ahead,
In fear of falling into the unknown.
Things won't be well when I'm dead.
If I'm only going to die all alone.
No matter how long I drag this on,
It's never going to be what I need,
To explain for you once I am gone,
What I could have done to succeed.
All these tears were shed in vein,
Crying for you to help me survive.
You couldn't even remember my name,
Promising me I am not really alive.
With the world ahead in my sight,
Everything still appears hopeless.
I will fall asleep knowing tonight,
Anything can be better then this...

Sketch - 9/8/05

2009-09-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

A sketch on a piece of notebook paper,
Flawed of imperfection and the eraser.
I tried to draw exactly what I need,
There is only an outline to be seen.
Inside seems empty almost like myself,
A girl like that is found only in hell.
I knew exactly what I wanted back when,
Fuck this piece of paper. Try again.

And another picture drawn in my book,
All this one has is the good looks.
It seems like every other I've done.
As shallow as each and every one.
I can always look just never touch,
One day I just want to be good enough.
This isn't what I wanted to create,
Fuck trying this again, it's too late.

I'm burning my paper for my own sake,
Trying over and over is only a waste.
Nothing ever seems to turn out right,
I will never know what it is I like.
Put a gun in my mouth, I feel the need,
I'm not convinced of my own mortality.
I've lost all hope, this seems unreal,
All the images make me not want to feel.

Mercy - 9/1/05

2009-09-21T22:35:00.002-07:00

She falls out of love faster,
Then the rain from the skies.
Each footstep is a disaster,
As they all drop like flies.
She knows not what she needs,
It will come to her one day.
She only opens up and bleeds,
Because she will not run away.
Her mother promised her more,
When she was merely a child.
She isn't going to be a whore,
If she only lives in denial.
She's changing for the better,
At least that's what she said.
Since the day this boy met her,
And put love back in her head.
But this boy was not enough,
To ever keep her satisfied.
She told this boy it was love,
Until the frigid night he died.
An act of passion not of hate,
But with no good reason why.
This boy she had met by fate,
Just one day deserved to die.
Eyes transfixed on her figure,
Not out of envy or a grudge.
Only she pulled that trigger,
As she stands before a judge.
Questioning homicide or love,
A jury finds hangs her at last.
They seemed to take shape of,
The many faces from her past.
She wanted to beg for mercy,
From this boy eternally lost.
Knowing it forever hurts me,
To have lived without a cause.

Complicated Things For Simple People - 8/28/05

2009-09-21T22:35:00.001-07:00

Flying away from your perch,
It's not the wind that hurts.
Letting go of all you've known,
You can't survive on your own.
Everyone else has flown south,
Only you are filled with doubt.
Your wings have never been used,
Just look at the life you choose.
Everyone's gone, you still stay,
You're in denial they'd go away.
They always do this in your view,
Ever thought that maybe it's you?
This is impossible for the feeble...
Complicated things for simple people.

Main Event - 8/21/05

2009-09-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

Deep inside the crystal ball,
Who knew how many would fall?
Worked forever to get to here,
Nearly two decades and a year.
Soldiering on half a life span,
All to flush it down the can.
Forced to continue on and fight,
When the end is nowhere in sight.
A sun in the horizon in the unknown,
To stare at while dreaming of home.
The hype leading up to the main event,
Counting the days, remember back then?
The talk of the town for years to come,
Never made a whisper now that it's done.
An innocent life lies cold under a flag,
Operation peace is fought in a body bag.
Too broke to change their mind,
Don't they know, are they blind?
It may be free tuition they give,
The prerequisite is first to live.
How could our commander justify,
Every innocent man going to die?
Brutal carnage of a human army,
This is the event he's paying to see?
Fireworks in the air not for your eyes,
When another erupts, another man dies.
The hype leading up to the main event,
Counting the days, remember back then?
The talk of the town for years to come,
Never made a whisper now that it's done.
An innocent life lies cold under a flag,
A war on terror is fought in a body bag.
The strongest men gave their life,
To protect his baby and his wife.
A mission intended for the better,
Or so he promises in every letter.
He assures them he will soon return,
That rainy day will forever burn.
Leaving his baby girl with an image,
Of his body that will never diminish.
Everything he had ever wanted to be,
Only lives in his baby and his legacy.
The hype leading up to the main event,
Counting the days, remember back then?
The talk of the town for years to come,
Never made a whisper now that it's done.
An innocent life lies cold under a flag,
Freedom is only achieved in a body bag.

Sin - 8/11/05

2009-09-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

This is what it feels like to be needed,
The more you need the better I'm treated.
You live in the shadow of my own glory,
Without your own all you can do is worry.
You need me more then I need to suffer,
But the long road home only gets rougher.
This is what it feels like being used.
You are the only one who's ever amused.
Redemption is not a realistic thought,
The life you have is the life I bought.
I've sacrificed past giving up anymore,
But I cannot change you, or this world.
This is what it feels like to be empty,
I only rely on you to be a crutch for me.
Dreaming of dying peacefully all alone,
Leaving nothing for you which was my own.
Trading tales of each other's self pity,
Sure as fucking hell doesn't deem unity.
This is what it feels like being raped.
Forced against my will to be enslaved.
Slapped in the face with no reason why,
Escape is impossible though I've tried.
Once you've taken all that I held sacred,
All you can do is make me feel degraded.
This is what it feels like to be in hell,
Confiding in the demons more then myself.
Living in regret for choices I've made,
You will forever be my biggest mistake.
Only worsening with time I must give in,
This is what it feels like living in sin.

Swords - 7/18/05

2009-09-21T22:31:00.002-07:00

Holding your hand,
Still wondering why,
--Will it make sense?
If we don't disband,
I'd much rather die.

Hearing your voice,
Only brings me down,
--Are you ever quiet?
I have no other choice,
But telling you this now.

Finding painless words,
If only I really could,
--Don't they all hurt?
Like a million swords,
They never feel good.

Trying only to explain,
Every good reason why,
--Don't you understand?
I need to end the pain,
And tell you goodbye.

Sitting on the phone,
Trying to show tact.
--How do I tell you?
I'd rather live alone,
Then take you back.

Daydreamer - 6/30/05

2009-09-21T22:31:00.001-07:00

Stuck somewhere between,
This reality and a dream.
Everything I shall hold,
Turns to shit, not gold.
Caught in the storm's eye,
The calm is my only high.
Trying to break the mold,
And do not as I am told.
Just wanting to be unique,
Is a crutch for the meek,
Who forever live in rue,
For not living like you.
While begging on my knees,
I will eventually cease.
And angels will not show,
To my funeral in the snow.
On a ground so immaculate,
Forever soiled of my shit.
No one else here to grieve,
Or miss me after I leave.
Everyone was really lying,
Heaven wasn't worth dying.
As I incinerate in hell,
I'll just think to myself,
I was too stupid to see,
Jesus has never loved me.

She - 6/10/05

2009-09-21T22:30:00.001-07:00

She is furthest from those closest,
But she can never figure out why,
If she hides in her bedroom to cry.
She says she knows what love is,
Wonder why she loves no one else,
Including the select few she tells.
She has been hurt too many times,
Even though it's her own choice,
To live humbly without a voice.
She is going through depression,
The past always makes her frown,
Forgotten skeletons hold her down.
She denies the guilty conscience,
Only God knows what she did wrong,
The lies don't help get it gone.
She is terrified of opening up,
Worried of someone getting close,
It is way too painful she knows.
She is afraid I know the truth,
The one thing that will destroy,
A little girl and this young boy.
She wants to kill me in my sleep,
Slowly, quietly take my breath,
Take the only thing I have left.
She doesn't know her own worth,
Thinking she's easy to replace,
When she puts her life to waste.
She is simply a work in progress,
That may be impossible to finish,
Before one of us will diminish.

With You - 5/31/05

2009-09-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

My words were spoken,
With little meaning,
Since the truth hurt.

I am forever broken,
Minus the bleeding,
Over time cut short.

We all fall down,
I don't want to,
Ever get up again.

I thought I found,
A forever in you,
But that was then.

I have truly lost,
My will to bother,
With the human race.

You dare at any cost,
Just like my father,
To spit in my face.

Waking to a voice,
Too hard to believe,
I can hold you tight.

Torn with a choice,
To stay or to leave,
Or to suffer at night.

I have always tried,
To make you first,
But you desired more.

You ran off and lied,
And left me for worse,
One slam of the door.

That image of deceit,
Standing out on you,
When you looked at me.

The agony of defeat,
It seemed so untrue,
But it's all I'd see,

When I was with you.

Deny 5/10/05

2009-09-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

Insincere 5/2/05

2009-09-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

Rearview Mirror - 4/18/05

2009-09-21T22:26:00.004-07:00

Passing the windows of oppurtunity,
Where is what we're supposed to see?
Nevermind the people we will meet,
There's even more on every street.
Too fast to spend a life in regret,
Close your eyes, and do what's best.
Forget everything that is now gone,
Go a little bit faster and carry on.
Everything is a little bit clearer,
When it is in the rearview mirror.
Is everyone else two steps ahead?
Will they only pass us and forget?
Do we have the heart it really takes?
To speed forever and not use brakes.
How will we survive sudden impacts?
Can we make this amazing pace last?
What makes bumps in the road smooth?
Will the voice beside me ever soothe?
Everything is a little bit clearer,
When it is in the rearview mirror.
Time is the only enemy ahead of us,
Can we succeed before becoming dust?
Don't these questions have an answer?
Or will they eat at us like cancer?
Was this whole journey an illusion?
We'll each find the same conclusion,
As we make it into the final bend,
The tunnel has no light at the end.
Everything is a little bit clearer,
When it is in the rearview mirror.

Four Years Ago (December) - 4/16/05

2009-09-21T22:26:00.003-07:00

Too wonderful to forget,
I still don't remember,
Fit it inside your head,
Four years ago December.
A memoir of what's gone,
No account of tomorrow,
Desiring what you long,
Lifetime full of sorrow.
It was just meant to be,
Feelings will never end,
That's what you believe,
I will never condescend.
Four years ago December,
We were just growing up,
You just don't remember,
What you think was love.
Time meant to move past,
Spent as years of denial,
Wasted time passes fast,
And you can't even smile.
Why will you always cry,
Claiming it is my fault,
Tell me yet another lie,
Bloody wounds love salt.
Don't claim I'm the best,
If that were hardly true,
I would have never fled,
To forget all about you.
Four years ago December,
We've since grown apart,
You will always remember,
That I broke your heart.

Gravity - 3/30/05

2009-09-21T22:26:00.001-07:00

Pouring dirt on my shallow grave,
It is not pity or dying I crave.
Smelling flowers as dead as me,
Is not my perfect idea of peace.
There needs to be a way to fly,
And avoid your perfect blue sky.
I don't know what holds me here.
The earth, or those I hold dear.
Who is my enemy?
You or gravity?

Burning the remnants of my body,
Reminds me of what I'll never be.
Composing my epitaph years early,
Isn't the future I lived to see.
There needs to be a way to swim,
Above your deepest gleaming ocean.
I know not who can't let me leave,
Those I love, or the air I breathe.
Who is my enemy?
You or gravity?

Small Doses - 3/26/05

2009-09-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

Forget Me Not - 3/2/05

2009-09-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dried to the mirror pane,
Is a tinted brown stain.
'Twas blood from her vein,
Which left a quaint verse.
-"Never Again"
Jotted with little remorse,
In the unique font of hers,
An angel could not compare.
The floor held a sole fare,
-"Forget Me Not"
Next to a body past repair.
Inside her breast pocket,
Held her mothers' locket,
Wrapped tight in a docket.
-"I Have Sinned"
This mess lays on the floor,
Behind a young girl's door,
Who has never cried before.
The closing words she said,
-"I'm Sorry"
As she knelt beside her bed,
And her wrists slowly bled.

Self - 2/21/05

2009-09-21T22:22:00.002-07:00

I cannot rinse this pain,
Away...
The past can't ever drain,
Or fade...
But things are going to be,
Fine...
In your eyes, if you can't see,
Mine...
I live for the promises you,
Break...
You'll never know I truely,
Hate...
The lifetime I sincerely,
Keep...
Realizing my future is merely,
Bleak.
When tomorrow holds all but,
Hope...
And you persuade me to cut,
Rope...
And tie it to this inside,
Shelf...
And save this smile for my,
Self...

Prone - 2/11/05

2009-09-21T22:22:00.001-07:00

The answers you wanted me to try,
To just give to you first hand,
That I choked on and had to hide.
To come clean I'd have to be a man.
Which is something I'll never be,
For as long as you push me down,
You can never just love me for me.
In my thoughts I will always drown,
Because I'm ashamed to come clean,
And admit to you how I really feel,
For you just think I"m being mean.
I sometimes doubt that you're real,
Looking at how I change around you,
I forget that there is anyone more.
When I do realize what I go through,
I wonder what I'm even trying for,
Other then the fear of being alone,
And not knowing how to sever ties.
I wish I didn't have to be so prone,
To falling in love with your lies.

Start Something - 2/3/05

2009-09-21T22:21:00.001-07:00

The end of our world is coming.
Fucker, let's go start something.
Tomorrow is too close to today,
It makes everyday feel the same.
If something doesn't just change,
I feel I am gonna fucking break.
Tomorrow can't be the same shit,
Life is intended for us to live.
Demolish this proverbial mold,
This God damned life seems old.
If we fear society and change,
Why do we want to see old age?
We can just die happy and young,
You won't see the change come.
Talk is cheap when it's bland,
Cheaper if you can't talk again.
I won't be tied to this string,
Fucker, let's go start something.

You - 1/30/05

2009-09-21T22:20:00.002-07:00

I could love you forever.
(If the world ends tomorrow.)
I wouldn't lose you ever.
(As long as I can forget you.)
You'll never lose sleep again.
(If you never get to sleep.)
You'll always have a friend.
(As long as it's not me.)
You'll never wake up alone.
(If you count your pillow.)
You'll always have a home.
(Just don't ask me where.)
You'll forever sing in glee.
(Just not your own songs.)
You'll always get to be free.
(It's all you'll ever have.)

Distance - 1/16/05

2009-09-21T22:20:00.001-07:00

I feel like I've known you forever,
What's my name, you don't remember?
You're close enough to see and feel,
But too far to believe in as real.
You look straight from a magazine,
But you'll only appear on my screen.
Hearing your voice inside a phone,
Yet falling asleep everynight alone.
Every feeling just seems to be fake,
If I'm not worth a breath you take.
You can lie if it makes you proud,
Since it's all your life is about.
I'm not your knight in shining armor,
If everyone else is too, you whore.
But I'll spend forever by your side,
If you're laid next to me when I die.

Solitary Confinement - 1/8/05

2009-09-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

I don't want anymore,
Solitary confinement.
This feels like hell.
Can't believe myself,
Muchless in a savior.
What kind of a favor,
Is leaving me to die?
Should I fucking try,
To see the sun break?
This is only my fate,
Or whatever you said.
Emptiness in my head,
It's all that I know.
Taking life too slow,
Afraid of every step.
Forever in your debt,
For what I didn't do.
Everyday tinted blue,
To match my feelings.
Glancing at ceilings,
Begging them to fall.
Put an end to it all,
I don't want anymore,
Solitary confinement.

Plastic Jesus - 12/24/04

2009-08-27T15:51:00.001-07:00

Plastic Jesus we are so afraid,
We'll go to hell if we get laid.
You drive to heaven in a minivan,
We pose for only you, the man.

Plastic Jesus you're on my plate,
Are you fattening or are you safe?
We can't get fat and ugly you said,
Or we'll look even worse when dead.

Plastic Jesus how is my new outfit?
My only fear is you won't like it.
I don't want to suffer for eternity,
If you are dressed better then me.

Plastic Jesus, like what you hear?
I'll change to be like you my dear.
Music is neither really bad or good,
Listen to what Plastic Jesus would.

Plastic Jesus do you really love me?
I will die alone otherwise you see.
Nothing could ever hurt me any more,
Then Plastic Jesus saying I'm a whore.

Plastic Jesus you're my everything,
Nothing I do is really what I mean.
Plastic Jesus I'll conform for you,
That's what society says we must do.

Disposable, Replaceable - 11/6/04

2009-08-27T15:50:00.004-07:00

Disposable, Replaceable,

That's all you need.
You can kill the tree,
But never the seed.
They come and go free,
If you're full of greed.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Take them as they come,
Sounds like a battery,
Insert yet another one,
Really it is only me,
Let the drain be done.

Disposable, Replaceable,

None ever seem the same,
But they are under cover.
You just play the game,
And replace with another.
You fail and we take blame.

Disposable, Replaceable,

Supply is getting thin,
But demand isn't high.
We're dead under the skin,
And we will never try,
To be placed back in.

Promises - 11/4/04

2009-08-27T15:50:00.003-07:00

Lying in my own bed dreaming alone,
I can't feel any further from home.
I'm not in your first person lies,
About me, myself, and especially I.
You promised me I was the only one,
Until someone new and better comes.
I deny having ever kissed the lips,
Of yours since they smell of shit.
I can only wonder what went wrong,
Or if it was God's plan all along.
I can only blame my own rotten soul,
On why you call me a fucken asshole.
I try to forget and I try to repent.
But I'm stupid enough to try again.
And I will be just another mistake,
Left for dead in this world so fake.

Key - 10/8/04

2009-08-27T15:50:00.001-07:00

The morning after and everything's gone,
Except a key I hold to a life of my own.
A key you can't copy but can only break,
Why is it the only thing you won't take?
I beg you to take me whole or in parts,
The tears will wash away this void heart.
I want to unlock the dreams that you cast,
Not temporarily lock away a misled past.
No matter how many keys tied on the ring,
Mine is always the one coming up missing.
Even if you need me more then the rest,
I can never be any more then second best.
To be wanted for once rather then used,
Could make me feel human and not abused.

Can't - 9/20/04

2009-08-27T15:49:00.005-07:00

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your lover,
Can't go on anymore,
You're like no other.

Can't be your friend,
Can't even be a son,
Can't show how I feel,
When I'm the only one.

Can't be your friend,
Can't be your peer,
Can't be your elder,
When I live in fear.

Can't live like this,
Can't wake up again,
Can't make an excuse,
Put my life to an end.

Penny - 8/30/04

2009-08-27T15:49:00.003-07:00

A penny is skipped into the pond,
And better life is wished upon.
Ripples are gently becoming gone,
Showing this dreaded reflection.

Birds observe sitting in a line,
As I beg to the water for a sign.
Trying to smile a cent at a time,
Why are the only open ears mine?

A heart sold and the pond buying,
Everytime each penny goes flying.
What tells me to continue trying,
If I'm the only one still crying?

One penny may mean nothing at all,
Considering we are about as small.
No matter how loud we try to call,
Deeper and deeper we seem to fall.

No matter how little it may seem,
Nothing good in life can be free.
Pennies wished upon just to see,
Your reflection here next to me.

Bullet - 8/16/04

2009-08-27T15:49:00.001-07:00

My problems once seemed so severe.
But the past is done, future near.
The solution is so simple anymore,
You can do it, even if you're four.
The key to the door of my lifetime,
Is so cold and the shape of a dime.
But it is merely an ounce in weight,
Which is a bit bigger then my brain.
A shiny barrel is always on my side,
To be my tissues when I need to cry.
As I pull the hammer near my chest,
I think of those whom I loved best.
And their voices all come in static,
Is this my only hope to be emphatic?
So I raise my hopes next to my ear,
To remove any doubt of why I'm here.
I say I don't want the pain anymore,
But the gun just falls to the floor.
The escape from this misery serves,
As just another bad lesson learned.

More - 8/12/04

2009-08-27T15:48:00.003-07:00

More abandoned souls,
Then cemetaries hold.
More hearts destroyed,
Then childrens' toys.
More lives were ended,
Then glue has mended.
More necks on a rope,
Then our alotted hope.
More tears from eyes,
Then rain in the skies.
More guns to the head,
Then I Love Yous said.
More ways of punishing,
Then your encouraging.
More time spent alone,
Then humanity at home.
More drugs in the head,
Then caring words said.
More about appearance,
Then a sinner repents.
More hate from a teen,
Then life in the body.
More deadbeat mentors,
Then sand on seashores.
More need to just quit,
Then you giving a shit...

Father (Part II) - 8/7/04

2009-08-27T15:48:00.001-07:00

If I wanted to quit now and be like him,
I'd imagine just what I could have been.
If I had a way to live my life for free,
I'd tell you where money could get me.
If I could buy my life twenty per pack,
I'd save my dollars and buy a life back.
If I could shame neighbors out of meals,
I'd still care about how my child feels.
If I had a social life to even defend,
I'd think I was really someone's friend.
If I had a woman to be 'in love' with,
I'd smoke dope and let us fall to shit.
If I had the chance to be out of debt,
I'd lie so I can write you a bad check.
If I could relax on my couch all week,
I'd fantasize to be some TV star I see.
If I had to support myself on my own,
I'd cry about it to you over the phone.
If I could pretend I was still a teen,
I'd quit faking it and say what I mean.
If I could be like my father and fail,
This would be the life I have entailed.

(Sym)Pathetic - 8/4/04

2009-08-27T15:47:00.002-07:00

Trying to force words to flow,
Writing things I will never show.
The faint whisper in the crowd,
Is all the voice I am allowed.
I cannot tell wrong from right.
It feels like every other night.
Hanging in between good and bad,
Which are both lives I now have.
An empty chamber full of hopes,
Just to break me from your ropes.
I was trying to be sym(pathetic),
You love me? Fuck you, forget it.
Lost somewhere under your shame,
We can't even speak my own name.
Running away is my only escape,
Before you will become my fate.

Ballad - 7/18/04

2009-08-27T15:47:00.001-07:00

No one reads the ballad to myself,
Wrote on my lips, crying for help.
Eleven months and you're still gone,
Ask your God where I've went wrong.
Does he even listen for fuck's sake?
Has everything been a mere mistake?
Don't you hear me crying for mercy?
Should I believe he has cursed me?
My clock contains worthless digits,
This future doesn't give two shits.
The past is never going to return,
Being happy alone is hard to learn.
Suicide seems to be my motivation.
Should I live for such a sensation?
There is no life to find or desire,
My soul turns to ash in your fire.
Will I still suffer years from now?
If there is an escape show me how.

Failure - 7/11/04

2009-08-27T15:45:00.003-07:00

Seconds to minutes to hours to years,
Turn back the clocks, erase your fears.
Dollar after dollar we try to support,
A failure who came up a dollar short.
A life wasted and nothing left to do,
Except sit and enjoy a worms eye view.
Handed everything to piss it all away,
You only have yourself left to blame.
Thinking you can't do anything wrong,
You've only fucked things up all along.
Clench the crucifix in your cold fist,
Drain your history from your open wrist.
Drown in your pity not in your blood,
We can't survive anymore of the flood.
Nothing is left for any of us to lose,
Except some President crying the blues.

Don't - 7/10/04

2009-08-27T15:45:00.001-07:00

Don't wanna hurt you again,
Or force you just to pretend.
I will stay out of your life,
I won't fuck up one more time.
Don't ever wanna see you crying,
My life not yours is for dying,
I will turn my back then walk,
I won't make your life my fault.
Don't wanna make you an addict,
Or see any cuts on your wrist.
I will hide from you forever,
I won't be the vein you sever.
Don't wanna make you ever worry,
My life is only a tragic story.
I will just keep my distance,
I won't be the one who listens.
Don't wanna make you remember,
The lies you had to assemble.
I will abandon you then run,
I won't be the lonesome one.
Don't wanna make you scream,
Just withdraw from your dream.
I will be in Hades decaying,
I won't notice your praying.
Don't wanna kiss you goodbye,
Pull the trigger, let me die.
I will become one of the weak,
I won't turn the other cheek.
Don't wanna hurt myself again,
Just forget you too and repent.

(Stereo)Type - 6/21/04

2009-08-27T15:41:00.000-07:00

Anorexic whore,
(Go Ahead And) Puke some more.
Crackhead toke,
(Enjoy smoking) Yourself broke.
Poor boy steal,
(You know that) All won't heal.
Pregnant bitch,
(Mom is proud) You're hitched.
Attention slut,
(Continue to) Bitch you cunt.
Suicidal child,
(The gun will) Fix your smile.
Alcoholic teen,
(Your liver) Seems so clean.
Pornstar preps,
(You can go) Fuck yourselves.
Goth vamp girl,
(Wake up and) Try this world.
Stoner wannabe,
(Your memory) Can't smoke me.
Church man cry,
(You do know) Jesus has died.
Everyone cease,
(Stereotyping) To live please.

Love - 6/15/04

2009-08-27T15:40:00.004-07:00

The "I love yous" ringing in my head,
Are words that won't hurt if I'm dead.
The implied feelings I never did say,
Became the hostility pushing us away.
I'm not too stupid or too fucken shy,
To say I love you, but I will not lie.
Deep in those eyes I saw what you are,
Just a reflection of me, without scar.
When I promised to love for eternity,
The oath was you would never hurt me.
You've let me down, why am I decieved?
I'm not really sure what you achieved.
Did you forget the vows we exchanged?
Did you fear to tell you were ashamed?
Would the truth be so painful to tell?
Must I love you forever dying in hell?
I'm left here now just trying to find,
A noose to calm me, for love is blind.
Strings of my heart make up this rope,
Frayed, cut and broken as is my hope.
A lone string strong enough to hang on,
To end one life that needs to be gone.
There is no other way for me to escape,
This lifetime of love turned into hate.

Blame - 6/9/04

2009-08-27T15:40:00.003-07:00

Slit wrists don't point blame,
At a lack of success nor fame.
You can't blame rock 'n roll,
For rotting these wilted souls.
Kids packing guns in the hall,
Don't blame music and alcohol.
Children don't lose their hope,
In fast cars and smoking dope.
Bloody floors can never explain,
Suicides only meant to end pain.

Here I am strangling on my pity,
Should I justify blaming only me,
For the boy sitting here crying?
I learned you weren't even trying.
You choked hopes and dreams away,
Showing hate you can't even say.
I'm losing touch as I turn blue,
The only air I can gasp is you.
I would blame those I lean on,
But who listens once I am gone?

Really - 6/3/04

2009-08-27T15:40:00.001-07:00

So is it really any wonder why,
The only one crying for me is I?
Should I really be so surprised,
That you only talk to me in lies?
Do I really need to feel the pain,
Of living my broken life in vain?
Is it really some kind of blessing,
That I'm being taught life's lesson?
Am I really bad enough to recieve,
A lifetime filled with only grief?
Do I really need to continue trying,
To live this life only worth dying?
Am I really wasting everyone's time,
If I can't turn your water to wine?
Could death really hurt any worse,
If I could be peaceful in a Hearse?
Would it really be a burden to hell,
Having a soul Satan couldn't sell?
So is it really any wonder why,
The only one dying for me is I?

Kiss - 5/25/04

2009-08-27T15:39:00.002-07:00

Between those legs,
My self-pride begs.
Under those sheets,
A cold heart beats.
Give you the world,
Can't give anymore.
Take all your pain,
Devour it in shame.
Awaken to the kiss,
Of sin on the lips.
Cling to the heart,
To tear mine apart.
Push my life aside,
Just wish I'll die.
Deer in high beams,
You come in dreams.
Just one step away,
And good days fade.
A gun hides in bed,
Erase all you said.
A trigger we shove,
To erase this love.

7 a.m. - 5/22/04

2009-08-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

Waking up starved, cold and poor,
With a police officer at the door,
For stealing a snack at the store,
To fulfill stomachs empty and sore,
Is this really what we live for?

Staring down at the floor in shame,
Avoided by money, love and or fame,
Praying for mercy that never came,
The beast can no longer stay tame,
Is there no one else left to blame?

Echoes of laughter along the wall,
Only I can suffer this final fall,
As you're there still walking tall,
Your insults drown my final call,
Does anyone know who I am at all?

Driving down the road half asleep,
Death can't feel too much more deep,
Happiness could be a gift to keep,
Watching loved ones pretend to weep,
Over the edge, may I take the leap?

Seven in the morning sitting alone,
Feelings have been wasted not shown,
Forget every material object I own,
The bed is now made, the seeds sewn,
Is it too hard to pick up the phone?

Two gunshots is all the town heard,
Grief was nothing more then a word,
Useless as a dead New York City bird,
On the corner of downtown and Third,
Is this happiness or is this absurd?

Flag - 5/14/04

2009-08-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

'In God We Trust' says the money,
Does God really find this funny?
Sand is filling the combat boots,
Of men dying for American roots.
Caskets under stars and stripes,
Were real and meaningful lives.
A head is being sent on a platter,
But none of this seems to matter.
No man should die for the US of A,
This isn't a country to be saved.
What's so great about boys with VD,
Suicide for $19.95 'As Seen On TV',
Censorship of an adult radio show,
Role models in prison doing blow,
Youths on trial over music taste,
Cities turned into business waste,
Brains exchanged for nuclear arms,
Diseases abolishing cattle farms,
Gasoline at a new all time high,
And still the uncertainty to fly?
How can a man give up all he has,
To fight for our fucked up past?
Red, white and blue is to blame,
For humanity being put to shame.
What has this flag done for thee?
Tears douse the burning Old Glory,
Praying God remembers to rescue,
Men brave enough to die for you,
Flag.

Friend - 5/3/04

2009-08-27T15:37:00.005-07:00

My life can't be the bedtime fairytale,
Sorry for ever being the reason you fail.
I only ask for you to be here by my side,
You are not worth any tears I've cried.
I feel for you more then you'll ever know.
Those are feelings I'm urged not to show.
You're well aware of as you rip me apart,
I cannot replace you inside of my heart.
It requires a friend and not just a man,
To keep the gun out of reach from my hand.
I thought I knew you better then myself,
But you turn your back if I ask for help.
All of my scars from you are hid inside,
Maybe it would be best for you if I died.
Love is a feeling I'll never feel again,
Because you're unwilling to be my friend.

Unfortunate - 4/22/04

2009-08-27T15:37:00.003-07:00

You don't want anyone to get too close,
You're living a life that nobody knows.
It took four months of a baby within,
To admit you're not really a virgin.
Pretty is all you've ever wanted to be,
Your shallowness some will never see.
The bumpy road you have made me steer,
Makes me only pray you will disappear.
Pain is a state you have never felt,
So don't go punching me below the belt.
We should all be so fucken unfortunate,
To live your carefree life of bullshit.
You're only a fucken worthless bitch,
Who measures how to love by the inch.
SUck that dick until his money is gone,
I hope you choke on that dick you're on.
You are a girl hiding behind sunglasses,
Lost in some dream world as life passes.
One day I will put your dream to an end,
To love you as you loved me dear friend.

Worthy - 4/11/04

2009-08-27T15:37:00.001-07:00

Much too beautiful to waste your time,
Talking to you was my punishing crime.
I should've learned better then trying,
But you're surely not worth any crying.
No feelings shown if I could act sweet,
You are cold, emotionless, rotten meat.
I wished to be worthy of such a goddess,
Now I wish no one has to ever feel this.
Should I be aroused by some kinky whore?
Sluts like you are behind any hotel door,
No I probably won't ever find somebody new,
I'll waste life before I waste love on you.
When I held you closer, you squirmed away,
Words are not enough for what I wanna say.
One day you'll feel so shameless and low,
You'll depend on my hands to never let go.
And I'll pull you into my misery forever,
So one day we can meet again at eye level.

Afterlife - 4/10/04

2009-08-27T15:36:00.005-07:00

I've dealt with the misery for this long,
Take it all away so the bad will be gone.
Someone tell me they love me before I go,
Unleash the heart I've never got to show.
You told me you weren't like most people,
As you pray for wealth under the steeple.
A different person would pray for my soul,
Instead you shoveled my way into the hole.
Maybe the afterlife could bring some joy,
To this beat up, picked on, hurting boy.
May I spend some time in a cemetary plot,
Lying next to the only friend I've got?
Or have you taken her away from me again?
Is this the love you are meant to send?
Will I know if you're crying out of grief,
Rather then an emotional sigh of relief?
When I've passed don't say a single word,
Just remember this as thanks to your Lord.
Will this be my oppurtunity to get sleep?
As I fade from the memories you all keep.
Please reincarnate me as a little more,
Then society's shit washed up to shore.

Quitter - 3/22/04

2009-08-27T15:36:00.003-07:00

I don't have the knowledge how,
Or I'd just end this life now,
And blow myself to fucken hell,
You can have this empty shell.
I'll forever go unknown by man,
As a quitter with gun in hand.
But I was told to keep trying,
Even if living is worth dying.
I can load the gun by myself,
If you'll lend me some help.
Steal this pain I call a life.
Turn all my wrong doings right.
Toss me in the deepest oceans,
I'll be the lamb to your sins.
Drown me and leave me to decay,
In memories I will never stay.
You won't let me cut my wrists,
No matter how much I hate this.
My death is acceptable to all,
If someone else takes the fall.
This is an evil fucking world,
Take it and show me your Lord.
You can kill me albeit bitter,
And show that I'm not a quitter.

Church Bells - 3/8/04

2009-08-27T15:36:00.001-07:00

Every Sunday you sit in wooden seats,
Pretending to adore God and his feats.
Parents cry for mercy on their souls.
Kids pray for Christmas without coals.
Priests linking you to the almighty one,
Are accused of fucking your beloved son.
High society can worship on its knees,
Praying that its mistakes no one sees.
A teen asleep will soon take her life,
And another man has just shot his wife.
Yet most faithful men have never said,
They're reconciling failed lives led.
If the good people only attended mass,
Empty would be the cash plates you pass.
Faces that should soon be seen in hell,
Are masked by the ring of a church bell.
Fold bloody hands and portray you pray,
No prayer can wipe the conscience away.

Nature Scenes - 1/19/04

2009-08-27T15:35:00.003-07:00

I gazed out my bedroom window to see,
The remnants of once beautiful trees.
Walking on the grass formerly green,
I realized nature is smog we breathe.
Population puts sewage in our ocean,
We kill ten fish per flushing motion.
We can't drink our own water anymore,
What do we hate enviromentalists for?
Presidents sacrifice animals at will,
On a powertrip of what they can kill.
As animals migrate South near Brazil.
What I recognized gave me the chills.
Scenic beauty in this country is gone.
We traded natural joys for pollution.
The fuzzy animals once loved so much.
Have been accidentally turned to dust.
The sun and moon are all we have here.
Since we destroyed what we hold dear.

Unloved - 3/3/04

2009-08-27T15:35:00.001-07:00

Long legs wide open she bears,
Her past still matted in hairs.
Wide hips she will gently sway,
As her future is thrown away.
Luscious lips exclaim the lies,
And her reputation slowly dies.
A sexy girl dressed like trash,
Wastes her life only for cash.
Tempting eyes lure the men in,
To savor nothing but her skin.
Makeup applied for the streets,
Hid are feelings she now keeps.
All men just wanted to get laid,
She's not happy just being paid.
Her gentle caress of long nails,
Rekindles the rumors and tales.
A broken girl puts it to an end,
No one will ever hurt her again.
Her passionate side never seen,
Although that's all she dreamed.
Giving up the body she flaunted,
Feeling loved was all she wanted.

Perfect - 2/29/04

2009-08-27T15:34:00.002-07:00

You want me to have a heart of gold,
You want me to have looks so bold,
You want me to be cute and witty,
You want me to smell good and pretty,
You want me to be the center of hype,
You want me to be a STEREOTYPE.
You want me to have a body of steel,
You want me to pretend I can't feel,
You want me to make other girls sigh,
You want me to hold my head up high,
You want me to be a puppet on wires,
You want me to be ADMIRED.
You want me to have some sexy hair,
You want me to give adoring stares,
You want me to be porn star material,
You want me to be your lone inferior,
You want me to boil under the surface,
You want me to be PERFECT.
You want me to show off to friends,
You want me to style the new trends,
You want me to be your sex slave,
You want me to be so fucken grave?
You want me to take all of the blame,
You want me to KILL MYSELF IN SHAME?

Shattered - 2/24/04

2009-08-27T15:34:00.001-07:00

Shattered is the motivations I strive.
Shattered is the dream keeping me alive.
Shattered is the sound of all my cries.
Shattered is the reflection in my eyes.
Shattered is the mirror staring at me.
Shattered is the lost child in it I see.
Shattered is the soul hid behind skin.
Shattered is the heart floating within.
Shattered is the family in the shadow.
Shattered is the acquaintances we sew.
Shattered is the house where I stand.
Shattered is the town holding its land.
Shattered is the economy we depended on.
Shattered is the hopes we had now gone.
Shattered is the state ruling the town.
Shattered is the country stumbling down.
Shattered is the President on our news.
Shattered is the military we must lose.
Shattered is the world so be thrilled.
Shattered is the future you've killed.

They - 2/15/04

2009-08-27T15:33:00.004-07:00

They say you have a lot to live for kid.
They say you keep all your feelings hid.
They think you go to sleep smiling, yea.
They think you have someone to call dad.
They tell you life is not what it seems.
They tell you bad shit is only in dreams.
They believe their words don't hurt you.
They believe your dreams won't come true.
They pray for the material shit in life.
They pray you'll learn to use that knife.
They spit on you due to a troubled past.
They spit on you because they judge fast.
They kick you for being yourself anymore.
They kick because you're not their whore.
They laugh because they have had success.
They laugh because you have so much less.
They convince you things will be alright.
They convince you this tunnel has light.
They promise to always be by your side.
They promise that they have never lied.
They want you to look at all you cherish.
They want you to suffer until you perish.

Skin Deep - 2/12/04

2009-08-27T15:33:00.003-07:00

Too silenced to yell,
About living in hell.
Can't begin to tell,
Where happiness fell.
Lost in my own cell,
I am a broken shell.

Dying will not wait,
You became my fate.
A stuggle with hate,
On any given date,
Dying for my mate.
Love was too late.

Every single try,
I am urged to die.
What I'd do to fly,
And kiss you goodbye.
You have ran me dry,
In hell we will fry.

My body wears thin,
So ugly under skin.
Insanity is my twin,
He is my lone kin.
As my emotions spin,
I can't let you in.

Add me to your heap,
As one of the sheep,
Loving me skin deep.
The sins that I weep,
Is each lie you keep,
As I'm falling asleep.

Ways To Die - 2/9/04

2009-08-27T15:33:00.001-07:00

Hanging from a tree,
You wish it was me.
Gunshot to the head,
You're happy I'm dead.
Knife into the heart,
We are better apart.
Rope around the throat,
Enjoy seeing me choke.
Having a fucken ball,
Body full of alcohol.
A needle hiding pain,
My face gone to shame.
Poison in the dinner,
Do punish this sinner.
Suffocate in a sheet,
My corpse is dead meat.
Drown in my own blood,
Promise me I'm loved.
Tons of ways to die,
Thank you and goodbye.

Lifes White Lies - 2/6/04

2009-08-27T15:32:00.001-07:00

You were the reason that made me try,
Now you motivate me I just need to die.
The gun is to my head every waking day,
I have heard every lie there is to say.
Searching for more in life is the goal,
Disposed is my life as well as my soul.
I can't love you if I don't love myself,
You can't love me out of a lack of help.
Everything happens for reasons I'm told,
There is no evidence of such I can hold.
To live this life, all I can do is try,
Happiness is my life's little white lie.
It seems like misery has me hand-picked,
Would I be happier as some drug addict?
If life is really just full of deja vu,
Do I deserve this suffering times two?
I look back at the misery I've sustained,
With many enemies and few friends gained,
I look deep in a shallow future and pray,
My whole life won't be fucked up this way.

Free Fall - 2/3/04

2009-08-27T15:31:00.000-07:00

The only part of me still alive is livid,
As visions of me free falling are vivid.
My feet teeter near the brink of death,
All I can do is cringe and hold my breath.
Losing my balance, I prayed I was loved.
I looked for those helping hands above.
But the ground neared at an amazing pace,
And those who loved me spat in my face.
My peers all stood on the street in awe,
Chuckling as I suffered the final fall.
The few who claimed to care didn't blink,
Making sure I have no sentiment to sink.
I heard someone say I can't be bleeding,
For I don't have a heart inside beating.
You stole the wings I needed to survive,
You're better off with me dead then alive.
The crowd around me disappeared in line,
I'm just a helpless boy forgotten in time.
I thought as they left I got in a scream,
But no one listens in life or in a dream...

Despair - 1/25/04

2009-08-27T15:30:00.002-07:00

As the stainless steel knife glistens,
Nobody that supposedly cares listens.
As adversaries dug clawing fangs in,
Doubts set in on where not to begin.
As the nerves break down from shaking,
The body and soul are slowly breaking.
As the confidence lies beyond repair,
A wandering mind must live in despair.
As the weapon caresses hurt body parts,
It does not care about broken hearts.
As the clock ticks down the final hour,
All this dying mortal can do is cower.
As the flesh opens up to bear it all,
Blood makes its stream in the hall.
As the funeral day draws even nearer,
Internal pain starts feeling queerer.
As the smile accumulates on the face,
It realized every minute was a waste.
As the skin turns slightly more pale,
The brain learned what it is to fail.
As pain and suffering has diminished,
Life became splendid when it finished.

Voodoo Doll - 1/24/04

2009-08-27T15:30:00.001-07:00

Another needle pokes deep in my skin,
I'm a voodoo doll pushing my own pins.
My blood weeps through my skin pores,
Distraught by relations with whores.
Making me miserable is not the goal,
But what else do I have to live for?
Take all of your pain to give to me,
You think this is what I really need.
My faith is all lost in a dense fog,
It's as if I feel disowned by my God.
What reason is there to see tomorrow?
Will I drown in mine or your sorrow?
How many times do we have to fight,
If you already know I'm never right?
Restore life to those in hells' line.
Gather their misery and make it mine.
These years wasted in an empty home,
Were meant to prove I will die alone.
Who knows if I would be happier dead?
Death is just illusions in our head.
Bleeding from a final emotional scab,
This voodoo doll dies from the stab.

Martyr To Love - 1/18/04

2009-08-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

You say you love me so kill me now,
Dissolve my pain, fear, and doubt.
Make me a martyr to what's right.
Remember me as putting up a fight.
You have the heart to drag me down,
Have the courage to let me drown.
Point the gun from trembling hands,
Aim at me and tell me your demands.
I'll do anything if you'll end it.
Dying in your company is only fit.
While trying to remember the good,
My recollection was misunderstood.
A hope of life is all you left me,
Why can't my soul have eyes to see?
I once had everything in my grasp,
But I failed then and let it pass.
You don't deserve any of the blame,
Although you did put me to shame.
You're just another heartbreaker,
Yet I'm another fucked up taker.
It's my fault thinking you cared,
And for these feelings I've shared.
Your bloody hands hurt me not you,
As I die I'll say I love you too.

I Don't Need - 1/18/04

2009-08-27T15:28:00.004-07:00

I don't need to slit my wrists to feel,
The emptiness around this hollow heart.
I don't need the drugs to help me heal.
All they do is tear me further apart.
I don't need to drown in your sorrow,
My own problems pull me under slowly.
I don't need your shoulder to borrow,
Hidden are the tears that are flowing.
I don't need to be happy on this earth,
For you find ways to fuck it up again.
I don't need the bribes you put forth,
Your feelings I only beg you to send.
I don't need to feel I'm loved by you,
So leave me out of your fucken game.
I don't need sorries for what you do,
Please just don't ever repeat my name.
I don't need life to be handed to me,
A fair chance to live is all I need,
I don't need my withering eyes to see,
The only thing you let me do is bleed.

Eye Hate - 1/16/04

2009-08-27T15:28:00.003-07:00

All of your lies are sensationalized,
Your life is completely dramatized.
Everything seems ugly on the surface,
For your shallowness is your bliss.
No one's worthy for you to love true,
Unless you think they're sexy to you.
You are just a storefront reflection,
Being tugged at from every direction.
Popularity comes in a leather dress.
Dignity is erased by monetary excess.
No one will even remember your name,
You are a stat to a manwhores fame.
If you saw yourself you would scream,
But maybe this is just a bad dream?
I enjoy hurting your precious sight,
I'll stay unique so I won't be liked.
Cut out the acting so we can all see,
Just how ugly you pretend not to be.
Unpopular kids are shit in your eye,
Whatever you are, you're dead in mine.

Have You Ever? - 1/9/04

2009-08-27T15:28:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been in my shoes,
And didn't have a life to lose?
Who the fuck are you to insult?
Go back to your corner and sulk.

Have you ever lived in a truck,
Just because no one gave a fuck?
Ever pawned your shit to pay rent,
And used a bottle of Jack to vent?

Have you ever starved for a week,
And unemployment was all you keep?
Ever had Fig Newtons every meal,
And saw Wendy's isn't a big deal?

Have you ever had to hitch a ride,
Then just lower your head and cry?
Ever came home to find no power,
And no heat for your cold shower?

Have you ever hung the laundry up,
After washing it in the bathtub?
Ever been too stressed to sleep,
Because you're in debt so deep?

Have you ever been in my shoes,
And didn't have a life to lose?
Who the fuck are you to insult?
Go back to your corner and sulk.

Written In Blood - 1/6/04

2009-08-27T15:27:00.001-07:00

Everytime I get pushed to the ground,
I know you wouldn't have backed down.
To see you again I'd throw life away,
But you motivate me to see sun today.
You taught me nothing is as it seems,
And showed us all what a life means.
Each guitar note reminds me of you,
Remembering you loved me back too.
I know if you were here right now,
You would have never turned me out.
The old six string whines your name,
While I scream God's name in vein.
What God has the heart to do this?
Why couldn't it be me on his list?
You should be worshipped from above,
But your feats were written in blood.
In eighteen years of built up hate,
I learned helping a life can't wait.
I guess I met you a little too late,
When you needed my help you met fate.

Goth Life - 1/4/04

2009-08-27T15:25:00.002-07:00

It's hard trying to live the goth life.
You like teasing veins with a knife.
Preps are conformists you laugh about.
They laugh back at you without a doubt.
You think living is all about dying,
It'd be worth living if you're trying.
Your group finds cutters to be cool.
Sane people surely call you a fool.
Edgar Allan is rolling in his grave,
At how people can abuse the Poe name.
Too much makeup marks your arrival,
Cuts on your arms signifies survival.
Music loses its sense of originality,
It only pacifies the goth mentality.
You're from a strict Catholic house,
But Satan is the man in your mouth.
Big news is a piercing in a new spot.
Your futures are pissed down the pot.
It's hard forgetting the goth life.
In ten years you'll be a preps' wife.

Our Nation - 1/3/04

2009-08-27T15:25:00.001-07:00

Our National colors turned to camo.
Poverty is nothing compared to ammo.
We start a war every couple decades,
To lower population along with AIDS.
There is nothing to be fighting for,
Other then being the center of a war.
Not an American citizen will rebel.
They're all afraid of going to hell.
Send working men and women overseas,
So Mexicans have jobs as they please.
All our money floating in the banks,
Is invested in billion dollar tanks.
The fate of hundreds is in a grenade,
Is this the reason youth has it made?
"One nation under God" is our claim,
So does that say God is who to blame?
It's morally okay fighting for cause,
George Bush just needs the applause.

This Fake Life - 1/2/04

2009-08-27T15:24:00.002-07:00

Life hurts like the needle in your arm,
But I like seeing you do yourself harm.
Life is fake like your silicone tits,
That's why you or it aren't worth a shit.
Life is scripted like a Broadway play,
So I am trapped in an exitless maze.
Life is deadly like carbon monoxide,
When I'm dead you'll have never cried.
Life claws at me like your fake nails,
So my skin bleeds when my heart fails.
Life is everclear eating at my veins,
But the next morning I still feel pain.
Life opens its legs at will like you,
So I'll be fucked before I'm through.
Life sucks like the straw in your nose,
Yet you come out smelling like a rose.
Life is a game of Monopoly cheated on,
So you leave me when my money is gone.
Life is shit since my pride is ruined,
And it's all of your fucking doing.

New Year - 1/1/04

2009-08-27T15:24:00.001-07:00

My notion is that I should be dead,
And I should disregard all you said.
Yet another year has passed me by,
And I'm still wondering why I try.
My throat is too fucked to scream,
That this world I know failed me.
Life is just manufactured and fake,
If I can enjoy it, it's money made.
You're not here for me when I need,
But you love helping my heart bleed.
I have made myself a very short list,
This new year I can promise you this:
I'll have some morals and discipline,
I won't live a life of lies and sin,
I'll find someone good to live for,
I won't turn into a degrading whore,
I'll treat people how I am treated,
I won't curl up and be defeated,
I'll be more then some easy screw,
Which means I'm different then you.

Melt - 12/28/03

2009-08-23T20:07:00.001-07:00

Sex is all I've heard for days,
As another friendship now fades.
You are the millionth to claim,
You love this face hid in shame.
Test your limits on my dead heart,
To tear a bad relationship apart.
It's time to see exactly how far,
You can pour the salt in my scar.
Lie to me when you dial the phone,
Pretending that you're all alone.
Don't tell the boyfriend about us,
You can only fake feelings of lust.
Your halo is as fake as my smile,
Accept being a whore, fuck denial.
We don't have any future to long,
Nor a past or present to rely on.
As you find a way for me to melt,
I always end up killing myself.

Christmas Carol - 12/20/03

2009-08-23T20:06:00.003-07:00

It's the happiest time of the year.
Where I cry out for loved ones near.
It's that hopeless holiday I dread.
The season for you to wish me dead.
It's time to sing the holiday spirit.
But with the lies I can't hear it.
It's everyone's excuse to go shop.
And I sit dreaming I'm forgotten not.
It's when I'm given the one shit box,
That I disown so it can sit and rot.
It's about families' homemade dinner,
As I'll sit starving getting thinner.
It's time to decorate a dying tree.
That you spend more time on then me.
It's leaving out cookies and milk,
Until the truth of Santa is spilled.
It's where you kiss under missletoe,
And I spend yet another year alone.
It's hairfuls of tinsel and glitter,
To flush Christmas down the shitter.

Photographs - 12/20/03

2009-08-23T20:06:00.001-07:00

Another moment of life will lapse.
We all need a way for it not to pass.
How do we prove something strange?
Take a picture to resist our change.
All of the acids in just a single lab,
Let me grasp what I can never have.
My camera and I make one last stand.
Pictures with smiles are in my hand.
Why can't the joyful shots be of me?
I want to be a part of a good memory.
When I am dead how else do I pass on,
If everyone else around me is gone?
A camera is the only way to prove,
An entire life I lived just to lose.
You take pictures of the good times,
All I can keep are the moral crimes.
Photos more then words can hold up,
Since we can't trust those we love.
I'll be loved for nothing one day,
I wish Kodaks weren't the only way.
Without pictures you could forget,
That my impression was ever left.

Scab On My Heart - 12/19/03

2009-08-23T20:05:00.001-07:00

You are the peeling scab on my heart.
You are the coke addicition I start.
You are the cancer tumor in my brain.
You are the high voltage in the rain.
You are the drivers' fifteenth beer.
You are the car that will not steer.
You are the AIDS left on the syringe.
You are the three week heroin binge.
You are the razor stuck in my wrist.
You are the blade clenched in a fist.
You are the pool of blood I drown in.
You are the guillotine I watch open.
You are the cancer eating each lung.
You are the rope from which I'm hung.
You are the pistol forced in my hands.
You are the seatbelt's broken strands.
You are the tractor that ran the red.
You are the shotgun wound in my head.
You are the gasoline burning the room.
You are the only culprit for my tomb.

Struggle - 12/17/03

2009-08-23T20:04:00.002-07:00

I'd do anything to bring them back.
But I can't ever change the past.
I know it hurts you more then me.
But you have a future you gotta see.
It kills me to see the drugs you do.
You don't see from the outsider view.
Don't think you have to die as well.
It rings an all too familiar bell.
Back when your brother passed away,
We knew all the words he would say.
He told Brittany not to ever quit.
And dammit she never willingly did.
Now she's gone and she'd say it too.
But the only one left to tell is you.
You can't always think you're next.
Carry on to tell they were the best.
Don't piss away such a precious soul.
You are what all parents work for.
The best hands guard you in the sky.
All that we ask is that you'll just try.
Live the life taken from them young.
It's all they wanted you to have done.
You have to learn from their mistakes.
These are the struggles life makes.
Her guitar rings out a final sound.
She doesn't want her baby sister down.

Ugly - 12/11/03

2009-08-23T20:04:00.001-07:00

Rip the studs out of your ears.
Listen and deal with your fears.
Take the chains off your chest.
Impress them now like you do best.
Break the watch that keeps time.
It's not offended by your crime.
Junk all the rings on your hands.
Now you'll sink to our demands.
I feel all that you do to me.
You're ugly under the jewelry.

Change out of the pretty dress.
It won't hide all of the mess.
Kick off those expensive heels.
They don't feed your kid meals.
Just burn every single blouse.
It could mend your broken house.
Sell all the fucking fishnets.
Then you can pay for your debts.
I smell your shit under my nose.
You're ugly under the clothes.

Erase the pencil from your eyes.
Expose the fear you make it hide.
Take all the colors off your mouth.
Vomit again to make yourself proud.
Wipe that mascara off your face.
Now the streets can scream disgrace.
You need blush to hide dead skin.
It won't hide a heart paper thin.
I see that you're still fucked up.
You're ugly under the makeup.

Walk Away - 12/10/03

2009-08-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

Look for the people that claim to care.
Don't this gun and I make a cute pair?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my love for someone get severed.
May I die to be with Brittany forever?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look in my heart and see that I try.
How many ways do you want me to die?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at this family forget I am alive.
Do you mind if the poison and I vibe?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my future being taken from me.
If I use this rope will you let me be?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at the abuse I have to withstand.
Am I allowed to speed up God's plans?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my health run down the drain.
Can I have a bottle to drown my pain?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at them wishing that I drop dead.
Would you too like a hole in my head?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at what was the girl of my dreams.
Will the blade show me what life means?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look in my head and recall the past.
Should I end it all with one blast?
Yet I'll walk away...

Look at my feelings you never knew.
Did you know this is because of you?
Was this such a fun game to play?
Will this not affect your life today?
I tried to make these emotions fade.
But now I can no longer walk away...

Newspaper Suicide - 12/7/03

2009-08-23T20:02:00.002-07:00

"Another Tragedy" the paper reads.
The pain he felt no one ever sees.
'Fuck You World' he slowly hissed.
Front page says he will be missed.
The tears soaked on smear the ink.
He needed your love, not a shrink.
Reporters say the gun needed hid.
At eighteen he's no longer a kid.
Typed in bold lays his only desire.
"His face always showed a smile."
All the shit was fed to the towns.
They'll never recognize his frowns.
Obituaries said who got left behind.
A gun showed the joy he got to find.
He just had to see how love felt.
Now love is in lies the paper dealt.
The article must be fed to everyone.
So they can be pitied for their son.
Pictures let you pretend you care.
After it all, you were never there.
You walk on the blood stained floor.
Since tomorrow's news is at the door.
Ten years later he's lost in a book.
Maybe it's worthy of a second look.
Faded and torn rests the old news.
He was never alive for you to lose.

Slut - 12/2/03

2009-08-23T20:02:00.001-07:00

Make me a lover you kiss and bite.
Make me a beautiful whore at night.
Make me a slut of wealth and greed.
Make me a whore your fantasies need.
Make me a one night stand to forget.
Make me a parent to be in your debt.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a wasted life just like you.

Make me a sex partner you will hide.
Make me a victim to stand your lies.
Make me a toy for all your desires.
Make me a God to light your fires.
Make me a statue for your staring.
Make me a tease yet still daring.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a fashion just like you.

Make me a sex call you treat royal.
Make me a hooker that remains loyal.
Make me a cheat to fuck them all.
Make me a tramp to aid your fall.
Make me a moron misguided by lust.
Make me a memory covered in dust.
Make me a secret to love untrue.
Make me a scumbag just like you.

Rejected - 11/25/03

2009-08-23T20:01:00.002-07:00

Slap me in the face, pull it away.
Curse me to hell, deny all you say.
Tell me to die, say it's not true.
Replace me, say it's not through.
Take all I have, still not enough.
Destroy my name, say luck's tough.
Claim to love me, but hate my guts,
Try to help, you declare me nuts.
Lend a hand, say it's too frail.
Tell a secret, use it as blackmail.
Teasing me, calling me the only one.
Abuse me, your friends find it fun.
Ask for help, to call me a waste.
Degrade me, expect a smiling face.
Call me stupid, but need advice.
Attempted murder, you're so nice.
Dial my number, make a few threats.
I quit caring, you won your bets.
Backstab me, swear it's all fair.
Death has come, for you said dare.

Listen - 11/23/03

2009-08-23T20:01:00.001-07:00

I can't express to you how I feel.
Must I kiss your feet and kneel?
You hope what I say is just a joke,
And inhale it as just another toke.
Everything I tell you that is true,
Falls behind the spotlight of you.
As the ears shut to avoid the fire,
Your mouth opens to call me a liar.
This apathy irks me on the inside,
As you force my feelings to hide.
It is a wall of ice to break thru,
To even get my point across to you.
I was the accuser now I'm accused,
Since you won't consider my views.
You always make me feel like shit,
And you don't care the first bit.
You overreact to every last word,
Even my goodbyes were overheard.
You always deny that you need me,
So my help is what you never see.
You say my words you can't ingest.
Could you as I was laid to rest?
What if all I was trying to say,
Was I really did love you today?

Short Love Story - 11/23/03

2009-08-23T20:00:00.002-07:00

Differentiate,
Love and hate.
Don't realize,
All your lies.
Try to scream,
Lost in dream.
Hide the love,
Hit and shove.
What am I now?
Fucked up how?
We don't care,
Love's a dare.
I had no plan,
You're a scam.
Living in sin,
Pain to begin.
Lost the path,
You can laugh.
Drowning here,
Death is near.
Will is broke,
Love's a joke.
Claim to care,
Try and share.
I am genocide,
We'll confide.
I don't trust,
Underage lust.
Differentiate,
Love and fate.

Fell In Love - 11/18/03

2009-08-23T20:00:00.001-07:00

Fell in love with a beautiful chick?
No, Fell in love with an abusive bitch.

Fell in love with a wonderful friend?
No, Fell in love with the money I lend.

Fell in love with the life I live?
No, Fell in love with the pain you give.

Fell in love with your kind heart?
No, Fell in love with deceiving art.

Fell in love with voices in my head?
No, Fell in love with the knife's edge.

Fell in love with the liquor in hand?
No, Fell in love with our inferior land.

Fell in love with my own traits?
No, Fell in love with my hollow space.

Fell in love with a family system?
No, Fell in love with our long distance.

Fell in love with a natural gift?
No, Fell in love with your bullshit.

Fell in love with a shiny new gun?
No, fell in love with a little sick fun.

Fell in love with life's pleasures?
No, Fell in love with nothing you treasure.

Flesh & Blood - 11/16/03

2009-08-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

A toddler dies in a troubled home,
Why do you act like he was unknown?
You created life to raise as yours,
But you're too busy fucking whores.
How can you watch your own son pass,
To worry about drugs, then him last.
I took pictures from the side view,
So I have the memory to curse you.
When your own flesh and blood dies,
You're bloodshot eyes need to cry.
Is today's high so God damned good?
Or am I badly fucken misunderstood?
How does it hurt me more then you?
Since this is a child I never knew.
Will he not ever be truly missed?
Or are you proud parents for this?
He's doing great in a better place,
Now he is loved with a clean face.
If we have God turning the screws,
Why did he let you fucks reproduce?

Sleep - 11/15/03

2009-08-23T19:57:00.002-07:00

These drugs help ease me back to sleep,
As I'm killed by promises I didn't keep.
Today's motivation was found in my bed.
It's the only way I can pacify my head.
I wake up to fall asleep all over again.
A pillow or a gun is now my only friend.
A companion to hold is great too I hear.
But that is a joy that I'll never feel.
Bad health suffocates me back to sleep.
If I'm lucky I'll awaken six feet deep.
Eight hours to bury such an ugly face,
And I wondered why you call me a waste.
Tears soak these sheets without a try.
It is the souls way of begging to die.
A warm bed is all that's worth seeing,
When I live in a life without meaning.
Most brag about their great sex in bed,
I brag how I can enjoy being this dead.
I hide under covers like a beat child,
Fearing you'll beg me to crack a smile.
I curse the alarm clock as it screams,
For my only happiness comes in dreams.